Series 1, Episode 3

Written by Phil Ford
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Laurence Moody

Air Date: 15th June, 2009


Rachel is still besotted with Fenner and asks him if they will still be able to see each other when she gets out of prison. Fenner says yes, but it’s obvious that he’s only humouring her. Later, she gives him a love letter that she’s written but he tears it up and flushes it down the toilet before admonishing her for committing the details of their relationship to paper – that’s the way that secrets are discovered and principal officers are sacked!

Zandra finally receives a visit from her fiancé, Robin, and is stunned to find out that he’s been in rehab and has been clean for three weeks. Robin tries to persuade Zandra to think about getting clean but she has more important matters on her mind, namely, them getting married inside (an idea put into her head by the Julies). Zandra interprets Robin’s noncommittal response as agreement and goes straight off to ask Helen to give her permission. However, Helen knows all about Zandra’s drug problem and refuses to even consider the idea until Zandra goes into detox.

Although Helen is doing everything possible to make Monica comfortable, including a cell on G3, she is still finding it hard to bear the separation from her son. Realising that Monica is drifting into depression, Nikki tries to raise her spirits by suggesting that she contact her solicitor about an appeal against her conviction.

Fenner visits Rachel but finds that she isn’t in a very receptive mood, especially after being on the receiving end of another attempt by Nikki to warn her off him. Fenner is quick to talk Rachel around, telling her that she shouldn’t listen to a word Nikki says – she’s jealous and has the hots for Rachel herself.

Zandra asks the Julies to design and make her wedding dress. They do such a good job that she asks them to be her bridesmaids. In fact, the wedding plans seem to be going well…maybe too well…the inevitable disaster strikes when Monica spots a photo of Robin in the newspaper, together with news of his recent engagement to a girl called Chloe! Helen is quick to contact Robin and asks him to come into the prison to speak to Zandra who is understandably distraught. It may have been a compassionate decision on Helen’s behalf, but Robin’s unemotional confirmation of the engagement and his account of the reasoning behind it – it was what his parents wanted – only makes a bad situation worse. Now a woman well and truly on the edge, Zandra grabs a pen from Helen’s desk and stabs Robin in the face with it.

New inmate Crystal Gordon arrives on the wing complete with guitar, bible and a determination to criticise everyone and everything unchristian in her path. Crystal is allocated the spare bunk in the dorm and immediately falls foul of Shell who decides to intimidate her snogging Denny in front of her. It’s not only lesbianism that Crystal objects to, as Helen finds out when she’s on the receiving end of an anti-drugs tirade.

Fuelled by the rumours about Rachel and Fenner, Shell continues with her intimidation campaign and beats Rachel up in her cell. As Rachel cowers, battered and bloody, on the floor, Shell leaves, but not without threatening to cut her up. Later, Rachel collapses in the dinner queue and is escorted down to the hospital wing. An extremely smug Shell is sickly sweet with concern and promises to come and visit her.

After lock-up, Zandra breaks down in her cell, much to Denny’s annoyance. As Crystal tries to comfort her, she reveals that she is carrying Robin’s baby.


Fenner – “Listen to me you interfering dyke. Just keep that snout of yours where it belongs or you’ll end up shagging the end of my boot!”
Nikki – “You really know how to talk to a woman, don’t you Fenner?”

Zandra – “Pull the other one, it farts Elvis!”

Shell – “Going for something a bit more upmarket are you Wade?”
Nikki – “Get lost Dockley!”
Shell – “What’s she got that the other girls ain’t? Mink instead of beaver?”
Nikki – “Any more of that and I’ll wipe that filthy gob of yours right across your face!”

Zandra – “Give up? In here? Yeah, and the Pope buys French ticklers from Tesco’s!”

Dominic – “What’s wrong with her?”
Denny – “Her pet cockroach got stood on.”

Julie S – “What is the point of getting married inside?”
Julie J – “She’s right, you ain’t even gonna get a honeymoon.”
Julie S – “Or a shag.”

Hollamby – “There’s about as much chance of Zandra Plackett coming off the nasty as there is of Cliff Richard inviting me up to his hotel room for cream cakes and sex.”

Hollamby – “Right, I’ll leave you two to get to know each other. Just be careful the way you look at her.”
Crystal – “Anybody better be careful the way they look at me or I’ll take their eye out.”
Hollamby – “Fine, just as long as you clean up the mess afterwards.”

Shell – “Enjoy that did you? Crystaaal?”
Crystal – “Will you two be so hot for each other when you’re burning in hell? I’ll ask God to forgive you.”
Shell – “Bollocks! In here I’m God…remember it!”

Fenner – “I’d like to think I get along with most of the girls in here.”
Helen – “Women Jim, it’s not a Swiss finishing school.”

Fenner – “I swear I’m going to swing for that cow one day!”
Hollamby – “You’ll get in line like the rest of us.”

Crystal – “We’re in here ‘cause we done wrong and what do we get? Karaoke, TV, cookery, drugs and weddings…that ain’t what I call punishment. No wonder people come back for more!”

Promo Gallery


The ratings were 6.36 million.

This is the first appearance of

Crystal Gordon
Robin Dunstan

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