Series 1, Episode 8
Written by Sally Wainwright
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Mike Adams
Air Date: 20th July, 1999
Shell is finding life back on basic extremely tough, not only because she’s lost her enhanced status but also because seeing her nemesis, Nikki, swan around on the G3 landing is just one humiliation too many for her to take. She complains to Fenner who tells her that she only has herself to blame and in retaliation informs him that until she is back on enhanced, their relationship will remain on a purely professional basis.
Julie S is over the moon when she receives a birthday card from her son, David. She is puzzled as to why the card is four weeks early and why David seems to go to such extremes to inform her that he is learning all about the fermentation process at school. Finally, the penny drops and Julie S realises that David is talking about brewing hooch – the fermentation process will take four weeks – it’s her birthday present! After getting a recipe from an incredulous Monica, the Julies recruit most of G-Wing to help them collect the ingredients in exchange for a share of the hooch. The plan is nearly scuppered though when Monica tells the Julies that they need a demijohn. All is not lost though; they know someone with a potting shed and a watering can! Initially, Nikki refuses to go along with the madcap plan but is worn down by a combination of wheedling and downright begging.
A few weeks later, Monica is summoned to Helen’s office to be told that Spencer has dies. Unsurprisingly, she is absolutely devastated and blames herself for not being there. She breaks down in Helen’s office and has to be helped back to her cell where she is given a sedative. Helen stays with her until she falls asleep and then puts her to bed. At home that night, Helen discovers that Spencer’s funeral clashes with a trip Sean had arranged to visit his parents, realising that she can’t let Monica down, Helen infuriates Sean by asking him to cancel the visit.
On the morning of the funeral, Nikki and the Julies do their best to comfort Monica. Julie J announces that they are planning to hold a wake and crack open the Chateau Larkhall in Spencer’s honour. Nikki gets Helen’s permission to take flowers to Monica’s cell. The funeral itself is torturous for all concerned. Monica, racked with grief, jumps into Spencer’s grave and hugs his coffin as a guilt-stricken Helen looks on.
Shell is struck by inspiration and sneaks off in search of brownie points by blabbing to Fenner about the hooch. Acting on Shell’s information, Fenner turns over the potting-shed by fails to notice the watering-can bubbling in the pile of compost. As an amused Nikki looks on, Fenner is forced to admit defeat. He’s furious and Shell suffers for it.
Despite the fact that it renders the drinker breathless, the hooch is a great success and is consumed in the Julies’ cell in honour of Spencer. Hollamby is quick to sense that something is afoot when she hears hysterical laughter coming from the Julies’ cell, but when she bursts in to investigate, she’s too late – the gang, having already poured the remaining hooch down the sink, and are being led by Crystal in a prayer. To Hollamby’s frustration, there’s nothing that she can prove, even when the reeling about drunk inmates are sent back to their own cells.
Denny – “Is arse-holes all one word?”
Shell – “How should I know?”
Denny – “Just asking.”
Shell – “What’s it like being as thick as pig-shit Denny?”
Denny – “Oi posh bitch! Is arse-holes all one word?”
Monica – “No, it’s hyphenated, as in arse-licker.”
Nikki – “Well how you gonna keep it at the right temperature?”
Julie J – “Well, what we thought was, we could take it in turns to come down here and hug it.”
Julie J – “Say I’m clever.”
Julie S – “You’re very, very clever.”
Hollamby – “I knew you were up to something yesterday!”
Nikki – “Oh please Miss! You’re not going to report us are you Miss? We were only having a quick feel!”
Shell – “What’s up with you lot?”
Julie S – “We’re upset about Monica’s Spencer.”
Shell – “Oh yeah? I had a dog once that died…really cut me up that did. Well, it weren’t my dog, it were a friend’s but I loved that dog.”
Julie J – “What happened to it?”
Shell – “I never shoulda stuck a firework up its arse!”
Julie J – “Oh shitty, shitty shit…damn!”
Julie S – “Oh bollocks!”
Julie J – “Bollocks!”
Hollamby – “You’ve all got the screaming ab-dabs! Wake indeed, wake my backside!”