Series 1, Episode 9

Written by Martin Allen
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Mike Adams

Air Date: 27th July, 1999


It’s a morning of hangovers. On the outside, Helen is placing an empty vodka bottle in the bin. Inside Larkhall, most of the inmates are still recovering from Spencer’s wake. Crystal, despite the fact that she was just as drunk as the others, is disgusted about the fact that alcohol is freely available within the prison, and suggests that the papers would have a field day if they knew what really went on behind bars.

Shell has hit on a new plan to get her enhanced status back, the first part of which is to inform anyone who will listen that she’s got religion. The officers react in different ways when they hear this news – Fenner is suspicious, wondering what she’s up to and Lorna is relieved – Shell has assured her that, now she has turned over a leaf, there will be no more drug runs. The next stage of the plan is to convince Crystal to write a letter to the newspapers in which G-Wing’s drug problem is mentioned alongside Helen’s name. Although initially suspicious, Crystal becomes convinced that Shell is genuine when she is asked to provide bible lessons.

Monica phones her solicitor and informs him that she wants to drop her appeal. A passing Helen overhears this and tries to get Monica to change her mind. However, Monica is adamant – she doesn’t care if she rots in prison, now that Spencer is dead there is nothing left for her on the outside. After being asked to intervene by Helen, Nikki manages to persuade Monica to reconsider. Flushed with her success, Nikki tries ringing Helen at home but puts the phone down when Sean answers. What Nikki doesn’t know is that Monica is working on an alternate plan which will enable her to leave Larkhall for good…in a coffin! She’s hoarding the tranquillisers the doctor has prescribed her and hiding them in the bottom of a toothpaste tube.

Crystal’s letter is published in ‘The Guardian’ and Fenner is unable to hide his glee when he notices that Helen’s name has been mentioned. Meanwhile, Helen is summoned to Stubberfield’s office. Stubberfield is furious and makes it clear that he holds Helen and her progressive ideas solely responsible. Helen is angry and upset, as far as she’s concerned, trying to stop the drugs coming into Larkhall is an impossible task on a par with painting the Forth bridge. An ecstatic Crystal is brought back down to earth with a bump when she is confronted by the Julies and Zandra, all of whom are furious about the potential fall-out of her letter – namely, closed visits. For the Julies, closed visits mean mothers not being able to hold their children and for Zandra, closed visits mean that the last remaining avenue for bringing drugs into the prison will be closed.

It’s finally time for the final part of Shell’s plan to be put into action. She manages to persuade Lorna to smuggle in a bottle of perfume for her. Knowing she has no option, Lorna agrees but makes sure that she closely examines the bottle and the box it comes in when it is delivered to her house. Meanwhile, Shell informs Crystal that Lorna is smuggling drugs onto the wing. Predictably, Crystal decides to take the information to Helen who makes sure that she is lying in wait when Lorna takes the perfume to Shell’s cell. As soon as Lorna enters, Helen pounces and takes the perfume straight to the DST – they pull the box apart and discover a bag of smack hidden inside. Later, Shell watches through her cell window as Lorna is led to a waiting police car.

The following day, Shell finds out that she’s now persona non grata as far as the rest of the wing are concerned. Not only has Stubberfield ordered closed visits, but in setting up Lorna, she’s gotten rid of one of the few decent officers on the wing. There’s more bad news for Shell when Fenner informs her that Helen is furious and that there’s no way she’ll get her enhanced status back after this latest escapade. A distraught Shell soon realises that all of her carefully laid plans have blown up in her face.

A new inmate, Yvonne Atkins, is escorted onto the wing. She’s the husband of a well-known gangster and has been sent down for hiring a hit man to kill one of his competitors. She and Hollamby strike sparks off each other almost immediately.

After lock-up, Helen goes in search of support and consolation and lets herself into Nikki’s cell. Watching Helen dissolve into tears, Nikki responds with her heart instead of her head and draws Helen into a kiss. After reciprocating briefly, Helen comes to her senses and pulls away. Nikki tries to apologise but Helen flees.

As Helen stands outside Nikki’s cell, trying to come to terms with the night’s events, Monica reaches for her pills and counts them.


Sean – “Takes the body thirty-six hours.”
Helen – “To do what?”
Sean – “To get rid of the alcohol from a glass of wine.”
Helen – “How long does it take to get rid of the shit from a day on my job?”

Crystal – “I thought it was disgusting.”
Denny – “So what? It got us pissed.”
Crystal – “Not the taste stupid! Making it in the first place…there’s enough drugs in here already.”
Denny – “You was drinking it n’all bitch.”
Crystal – “It was a wake; I was doing it out of respect.”
Julie S – “Oh take the cork out of your arse will you Crystal?”

Fenner – “The nearest you’ll ever get to religion is the missionary position!”

Zandra – “Come on you twatting twat! I said come on!”
Crystal – “Calm down!”
Zandra – “Bloody windows! They’re all spastics!”

Julie S – “Shell? In the God squad?”
Zandra – “Its bollocks, she’s up to something.”
Julie J – “Is she for real?”
Crystal – “That’s between Shell and the Lord, if she’s pretending he’s sure gonna be one angry Messiah!”
Julie S – “And I suppose you’ve found salvation as well have you Denny?”
Denny – “I don’t do everything Shell tells me, alright?”
Zandra – “If Shell told her to live in a barrel of shit she’d do it.”
Both Julies – (Watching Denny attack Zandra with a pool cue) “Oh very Christian!”

Julie S – “You might get your bleedin’ jollies by singing to the Lord but what about us?”
Julie J – “Yeah, what about us you stupid cow?”
Crystal – “When it stops the drugs getting in here you’ll thank me one day.’”
Zandra – “And, you might get your reward in heaven sooner than you think.”

Hollamby – “Best news I’ve heard in ages.”
Dominic – “What? Ninety women on a short fuse? Dead cushy.”
Hollamby – “Yes, well any trouble you just bang ‘em up. Happiness is door-shaped as far as I’m concerned.”

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