Series 2, Episode 10


Written by Phil Ford
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Mike Adams

Air Date: 6th June, 2000

Crystal is still down the block so Shaz and Denny have the dorm to themselves. They are already getting on well when Dominic unlocks the cell and asks Denny to show Shaz the ropes. Denny is more than happy to oblige but this is because she is showing every sign of falling for the newcomer.

Shell has told the officers that she hurt her arm in a fall. Karen doesn’t believe this and gathers the whole wing together to demand that the culprit give themselves up. Barbara stands up and confesses but Shell denies it, maintaining that her injury was caused by a fall. She doesn’t want to lose what little face she has left by admitting a 50-year old woman did it!

Julie J is trying to get pregnant. First she propositions Dominic but laughs it off as a joke when he threatens to report her. Next, Julie S suggests she approaches the prison chaplain! Unsurprisingly, this doesn’t work either, so Julie J decides that one of her regular phone punters, John, would be ideal sperm donor material. She asks him for a photo and then sends him a visiting order.

Shaz teaches Denny some tricks she learnt on remand. First they stuff the keyhole of the dorm with toilet paper so that the door doesn’t secure properly. They sneak out after lockup and go up to the G2 toilets. Shaz fills the toilet cisterns with washing powder tablets then takes a condom and fills it with water. Next day there is chaos as the toilets flood with soapy water. In one cubicle, Shaz and Denny have rigged up an effigy of Hollamby. Up on G3, Shell gets out of bed to find an inch of water in her cell from the condom. Karen is not impressed when none of the officers can provide an explanation for the strange goings on. Although they don’t get caught, Shaz and Denny’s jokes and public displays of affection soon start to annoy Hollamby and when she catches them messing around in the cleaners’ cupboard, she vows to split them up. She expresses her homophobic disapproval to Karen who tells her to turn a blind eye to the relationship.

There’s a new arrival at Larkhall. Renee Williams is a threatening, homophobic bully who has managed to smuggle a razor blade through the reception process. Renee is taken to G-Wing and assigned to the dorm. Shaz and Denny are gutted that their night-time excursions and privacy are at an end. Renee doesn’t like the arrangement either and shows her displeasure by threatening Denny with her razor blade. She tells Shaz and Denny that she doesn’t like them and that the dorm is her room now.

Next day, Yvonne is most displeased to run into Renee. It turns out that Yvonne is serving time for putting a hit out on Renee’s husband! Renee is keen to settle a few old scores and corners Yvonne in one of the corridors. Luckily for Yvonne, Hollamby and Dominic appear just as Renee produces her razor and she is able to tag along with them on her way back to the wing.

Julie J gets dolled up for John’s visit. Although she is disappointed that he doesn’t match up to his photo, she still starts giving him hand relief under the table. He is happy until Julie drops the yoghurt pot that she is holding in her other hand and starts to make a scene. Both Julies are hauled up in front of Karen and their mobile phones are discovered in the process. Although both insist that they were the only ones involved in Babes Behind Bars, Karen orders an immediate search of every cell. Luckily, the other ‘babes’ manage to dispose of their phones before they are discovered but Yvonne is furious that her lucrative scam is over.

Renee winds Yvonne up by talking about Charlie. She reveals that she has slept with him and when Yvonne refuses to believe her, Renee proves it by telling her about a scar Charlie has in a very personal place. Shell is aghast and tries to spur a stunned Yvonne into action but Yvonne returns to her cell and starts sobbing as she looks at Charlie’s photo.

Quotes

Julie S – “Some of them are quite nice, well, for…”
Yvonne – “Wankers?”
Both Julies – “Yeah.”

Julie S – “That’s the trouble with the church…if you ain’t a virgin, they ain’t interested.”
Julie J – “He ain’t interested ‘cause he’s a vicar.”

Renee – “You’d better make sure no-one gets their friggin’ thieving fingers on that stuff.”
Dominic – “Don’t worry; we keep all the thieves under lock and key. That’s why you’re here in case you forgot.”

Hollamby – “She’s got as much chance finding out who clocked Dockley as finding Lord Lucan.”

Julie J – “Maybe he’s too shy to find himself a girlfriend. (Hears Julie S sigh with disbelief) Well you don’t know!”
Julie S – “The only thing I don’t know is how he’s going to get you up the stick in the middle of the bleedin’ visiting room!”
Julie J – “Supposing he’s dead ugly or there’s something wrong with him?”
Julie S – “When we was working you had ugly men.”
Julie J – “Yeah, but I don’t want ugly kids…do I?”

Renee – “What’s in that?”
Shell – “It’s lasagne.”
Renee – “I know what it is; I asked what was in it?”
Shell – “Do I look like Delia frigging Smith?”
Renee – “How d’you like to have your tits dipped in the chip-pan…darlin’?”

Hollamby – “If there’s one job I loathe here its visiting time…all that pawing and telling each other how much they’ll miss the other. Then afterwards, it’s back to the girlfriend for him and the same for her.”

Karen – “Some rules…not many, but a few are worth turning a blind eye to if we want to have any chance at all of running an orderly prison.”
Hollamby – “But its disgusting!”
Karen – “Then don’t watch them when they’re at it!”

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