Series 2, Episode 8


Written by Maureen Chadwick
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Jim O’Hanlon

Air Date: 23rd May, 2000

Dominic, back from his holiday in Ibiza, encounters Josh and Crystal chatting by the bins. Crystal is worried about Zandra but Josh tells her she should start letting go and instead, think about her impending release later that week. Crystal isn’t happy with Josh’s attitude towards her best friend and storms off.

Zandra is still in pain but brightens up when Dominic comes to see her. She tells him about her visit to the hospital and he’s pleased that she’s getting proper treatment. Later, Dominic runs into Karen who tells him that the hospital think that Zandra has a malignant brain tumour and she needs to have an urgent scan. Dominic is visibly upset. He goes to tell Zandra about the scan but mentions nothing about the hospital’s bleak diagnosis.

Karen talks to Shell before returning her to the wing. Shell is worried about the safety of her children and Karen arranges for her to see her mother the following day in order to confront her about the abuse she suffered as a child.

Yvonne is reading the paper when she sees a page full of adverts for telephone sex lines. It gives her an idea. Via Denny, she arranges for Josh to smuggle four mobile phones into the prison and then gets Barbara to set up a website advertising her new service – Babes Behind Bars! The Julies and Denny volunteer to take part and Yvonne gives them each a mobile phone, telling them that they are set to vibrate rather than ring. They are all to wear earpieces and pretend that they are listening to music.

In the garden. Nikki is tending to her “tomato plants” when Barbara joins her. Barbara isn’t fooled, and when Nikki says that she is planning on destroying the cannabis, offers to take the responsibility of supplying them to Zandra to help ease her pain. Nikki is shocked until Barbara explains that she used to grow it for her husband. Barbara gives the cannabis to Crystal, instructing her to dry it out in the oven before giving to Zandra. Crystal is disgusted and puts it straight in the bin.

Karen helps Shell to face her mother, Rita, but once alone together, Shell lets her do all of the talking. Only when she’s about to leave and is having a go at Karen does Shell step in. She tells Rita that Karen knows about the abuse then says that she’s going to tell social services so that they will take the children away. Rita blames Shell’s dad and Shell walks out. She thanks Karen for her support, and back in her cell, takes the photographs of her children down from the wall, kisses them and then tears them up.

When she returns from the hospital, Dominic takes Zandra to see Dr Nicholson. He has received a faxed copy of Zandra’s scan results and tells her that she has a malignant brain tumour and only has a short time left to live. It doesn’t take long for the news to filter down to the wing. Crystal and the Julies are aghast and do their best to comfort Zandra. Crystal is appalled when the nurse arrives with Zandra’s dose of painkillers; it’s obvious that Dr Nicholson is still rationing them strictly.

Shell is back to her old self again, piling on the make-up and squeezing herself back into her skimpy outfits. She makes a point of telling Denny that Karen is alright and that anyone who says otherwise better watch out!

In her office, Karen discusses Zandra’s condition with Dominic and Dr Nicholson. She asks if there are any alternative therapies on offer but Dr Nicholson is dismissive, an attitude that finally blows Dominic’s lid. Dominic is disgusted by the poor treatment that Zandra has received so far and tells him so, Karen intervenes and placates Dominic by telling him that she may be able to get Zandra released on a temporary license. Dominic gives Zandra the good news and suggests that she stays with Crystal after her release at the end of the week. Zandra shrewdly guesses that Josh wouldn’t be too happy about having an extra lodger and decides to spend her last few days on G-Wing with all of her friends around her.

Crystal asks Nikki and Barbara for another batch of cannabis but they inform her that she threw the last lot away. Nikki suggests that Crystal should ask Josh to smuggle some more into the prison for her, after all, he’s doing it for everyone else. Later, Crystal confronts Josh about the smuggling and he promises that he will never do it again. Crystal asks him to do one last job and arranges for him to meet a nurse friend of hers on the outside and collect some proper painkillers for Zandra.

Shell is suspicious of the girl’s earpieces and, when she discovers that there’s not even any music coming out of them, she forces Denny to reveal all. Shell goes to see Yvonne and tells her that she wants in on the deal or else. Julie J isn’t happy when she is told to give her phone up to Shell. Later, Denny gets her first call and is disgusted by the punter’s requests. She gives him a mouthful of abuse and hangs up on him, but he calls back, saying he wants a “bad-mouthed bitch”!

Josh gives Crystal the painkillers and then tells her that he has resigned from his job in order to start a new life away from the prison. Crystal asks him very subtly about Zandra staying with them and he tells her that he’s glad that it can’t happen. He tells her that he’ll be waiting for her tomorrow at the prison gate. Crystal gives Zandra the painkillers and then the following day, goes through the bins in search of the cannabis.

Barbara is cleaning the officer’s room when a note is slipped under the door. Di reads the note and is shocked to read that it’s an anonymous tip-off from someone accusing Crystal of keeping drugs in the servery. Di and Dominic are suspicious but go to the servery to investigate and, just as the note said; find cannabis leaves drying out in the oven. A furious Karen adds extra days to Crystal’s sentence and it isn’t until later that Di realises that Crystal set the whole thing up to delay her release and stay with Zandra. Poor Josh is left standing at the prison gate holding an engagement ring.

Quotes

Barbara – “It’s interesting isn’t it? One hundred years ago, cannabis was considered a perfectly legal treatment for all sorts of ailments.”
Nikki – “Surprised you’d know that Barbara.”
Barbara – “I grew it myself for my husband during his illness. (Looks down at plants) Seems an awful waste of a perfectly good herbal remedy, especially when all poor Zandra’s been given is a few miserable paracetemol. (Notices Nikki is reluctant) We can say it came from me.”
Nikki – “I really don’t get you Barbara. One minute you’re Mrs middle-England and the next you’re offering to be a drugs mule…I mean, excuse me?”
Barbara – “I only obey rules I respect Nikki, which in this place I can assure you means very few.”

Julie S – “We got our call-names worked out Yvonne.”
Yvonne – “Yeah?”
Julie J – “Yeah…Whiplash and Saucy…I’m Whiplash Wanda.”
Julie S – “And I’m Saucy Sonia…and we thought we could do a one-on-one or a nympho sisters number.”
Yvonne – “That’s great!”
Denny – “Oh, I chose my name too…I’m gonna be Gail.”
Yvonne, Julie J, Julie S – “Gail?”
Denny – “Yeah.”
Yvonne – “Well why Gail Denny?”
Denny – “I knew a girl called Gail.”

Julie S – “Well she could do the virgin bride number.”
Julie J – “Yeah, she could do virgin bride couldn’t she? Got banged up before she got…”
Julie S – “…banged up.”

Julie J – “Whatcha gonna call yourself Yvonne?”
Yvonne – “It’s gotta be something with discipline for me girls. Call me Sylvia Hollamby, the stern screw that likes strictness and spanking…disobedience will be severely dealt with!”

Yvonne – “That’s the beauty of these little buggers; they’ve been fixed so that when a call comes in, you can’t hear nothing, but you get a good vibration down your cleavage.”
Julie S – “Oooh, we like the sound of that, don’t we Jue?”
Julie J – “Probably like the feel of it n’all!”

Denny – “Shit! It’s wobbling!”

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