Series 3, Episode 10
Written by Jayne Hollinson
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Jim O’Hanlon
Air Date: 22nd May, 2001
Helen has been made temporary governing governor of Larkhall until a permanent replacement for Stubberfield is found. Nikki isn’t impressed when Helen tells her the news, as far as she’s concerned, Helen’s new role will just mean that they spend even less time together. Nikki’s not the only one who has a problem with Helen’s promotion. Fenner is uncomfortably aware that Helen has every reason to make life difficult for him and makes a point of threatening to report her for harassment if she so much as tries.
Crystal has now been on hunger strike for five days and is refusing to eat until the result of her urine test is overturned. After seeing Crystal faint, Charlotte goes to see Karen and exercises her right to pay for her urine sample to be analysed by an independent laboratory. A few days later, the results arrive and Karen is shocked to learn that a spot of blood that could have only come from Crystal was found in “Charlotte’s” sample. Crystal and Charlotte have been proved right – there was a mix-up! As soon as she hears the news, Crystal celebrates with a large plate of bangers and mash.
Di manages to convince Josh that they should have a drink together after work. Josh is all for going to the nearest pub, but agrees when Di suggests that she bring a bottle of wine around to his house. Gina is amused when Di tells her about her impending “date” with Josh. She can’t resist teasing Josh about it. However, the joke is quiet literally on Josh who was under the impression that their “date” was supposed to be a friendly drink between colleagues.
Crystal, Charlotte and Yvonne are all convinced that Di knows more about the mix-up with the urine tests than she’s prepared to admit. They take their suspicions to Josh who is deeply troubled when Crystal informs him that Di has known about their relationship for a while. When Di arrives at his house later that night, Josh confronts her about Crystal’s drug test and tricks her into admitting that she swapped the samples on purpose. Josh threatens to go straight to Karen but Di begs him not to, telling him that if she lost her job she would be forced to put her mother into a home. After Di promises to do everything she can to make it up to Crystal, Josh reluctantly agrees to keep quiet.
Di is in a foul mood when she returns home and the last thing she wants to hear is her mother calling for her the minute she steps through the front door. Di loses her temper and storms into her mother’s room. She knocks the frail, old woman out of her bed and then begins to lay into her with her fists. The next day, Helen questions Di about her part in the mix-up and is sympathetic when she blames the accident on all of the stress she has to suffer at home. Di receives a written reprimand and is warned to be more careful in the future. Di once again tries to apologise to Josh but he tells her not to bother speaking to him in future.
Helen was so impressed with Dr Thomas Waugh’s assessment of Pam Jolly that she’s asked him to replace Dr Nicholson as Larkhall’s new Senior Medical Officer. Over lunch, they discuss the changes that he wants to make to the existing system and discover that they share a similar outlook on the prison system. The meeting is interrupted by Claire, Nikki’s solicitor, who has important news to share. Nikki can’t quite believe it when she is brought to Helen’s office to be told that the Home Office have submitted her case to the Court of Appeal.
Although he hurt her by refusing to believe her innocence, Crystal forgives Josh but warns him that he’s on his last chance. Josh is so desperate to make it up to Crystal that he agrees when the Julies approach him with another one of their hare-brained schemes – Barbara has agreed to act as lay-preacher and marry Josh and Crystal in the prison chapel. Di twigs that something is going on when the gang assemble on the wing to discuss wedding arrangements. Later, Di searches the Julies’ cell and discovers the wedding card they have made. She storms off to confront the Julies who, realising that the wedding may be in jeopardy, wrestle Di to the ground, before tying her up and gagging her and locking her in the store cupboard. Despite Barbara’s jitters, the wedding goes off without a hitch. When Di is finally released from the cupboard by Dawn, she finds the chapel empty but for Crystal’s bouquet which is lying on the floor.
Crystal and Josh consummate their marriage in the laundry cupboard. Later, on their way back to the wing, they are greeted by the sight of a firework display outside – Yvonne’s wedding present to them.
Di confronts Josh and threatens to tell Karen about his secret wedding only to be thwarted when Josh threatens to inform Karen that she swapped Crystal’s urine sample on purpose. Josh storms out and Di collapses in a nearby chair. A passing Karen is concerned when she observes this and asks Fenner to drive Di home.
Fenner drops Di at home but just as he is about to drive off, he realises that she has left her cardigan on the passenger seat. He goes to the house to return it to her and when Di answers the door, he hears cries coming from the front room. Fenner bursts into the house and finds Di’s mother lying on the floor. She is bruised and battered and pleads with him to help her.
Stubberfield – “You’re just a pretty face to brighten up the board-table Helen, until they pick their man.”
Helen – “Oh Nikki, don’t you see what it means?”
Nikki – “Yeah sure, means you’re top of the shit-heap…fantastic! I’ll even have time for a group chat, when you can fit it in.”
Helen – “God, I can always rely on you for a hard time can’t I? Look, if it means anything, it means that I’ve got more chance of getting you out of here. And it sure as hell means count your days Jim Fenner.”
Gina – “You got your sexy undies on?”
Josh – “You what?”
Gina – “This hot date you’ve got with Di.”
Josh – “Date? You’re joking?”
Gina – “I think the joke might be on you lover. Keep your panic button handy, that’s all I can say.”
Yvonne – “I’ll tell you Mr Mitchell; something stinks around here and it ain’t just them piss-pots.”
Helen – “Anyone can make a mistake. I just need to know how a simple, step-by-step procedure can go so wrong.”
Di – “What’s step-by-step when you’re trying to make girls go to the toilet for you? I do it because it’s my job, but I don’t watch them every second…I’m sorry. I get enough of that at home – my mother – I mean, she’s the reason I’m half worn out by the time I even get to work. Backwards and forwards with the potty, that’s me…my whole life’s a stinking piss-test!”
Julie S – “Why not, you’re religious ain’t ya?”
Barbara – “Yes, but I’m not a vicar and I’m not pretending to marry Crystal, end of story!”
Julie J – “Well can’t you say you’re one of them…whatsit…lay preachers or summink?”
Barbara – “I’m not going to lie to her!”
Julie J – “That’s alright, we’ll do the lying, you just nod.”
Barbara – “It’s not legal!”
Julie S – “It’s not bothered you before; you’re a bleedin’ bigamist!”