Series 3, Episode 9

Written by Martin Allen
Produced by Brian Park
Directed by Mike Adams

Air Date: 15th May, 2001


New inmate, the Hon Charlotte Myddleton is driven past a waiting crowd of paparazzi. In reception, Gina takes an instant dislike to the aristocratic newcomer and takes great delight in assigning to the dorm where she will have to share a toilet with Shaz, Buki and the newly returned Crystal who is being held on remand for possession and for harbouring Shell and Denny.

At lunch, Yvonne makes an effort to welcome Charlotte to the wing. She is furious when Charlotte makes it clear that she has no intention of mixing with the lower classes and decides that someone should treat her a lesson. She goes to speak to Shaz and Buki and persuades them to steal Charlotte’s clothes when she goes for a bath. On discovering the theft, Charlotte goes straight to Karen and accuses Yvonne of orchestrating the theft. Karen questions Buki who wastes no time in grassing Yvonne up. After losing 42 days of remission, Yvonne pays Charlotte a visit, threatening her with violence if she even thinks of reporting her to Karen again.

Charlotte receives a visit from her mother. She is upset when she is told that her father decided not to visit because of the press. Lady Myddleton tries to cheer Charlotte up by telling her that the family solicitors are working on an appeal for unfair sentencing, but Charlotte knows that an appeal would take months to go through and that there’s no way she can stand the thought of being behind bars for much longer.

Back on the wing, Buki offers to sell Charlotte her clothes back in exchange for the diamond ring she is wearing. Charlotte agrees, but later, Buki changes her mind about the prices and demands Charlotte’s phonecards as well. Barbara notices a dejected Charlotte heading upstairs to the G2 toilets and remonstrates with Yvonne. A few minutes later, Yvonne notices that Buki is wearing Charlotte’s silk scarf and after confronting her, learns that Buki is planning on selling Charlotte back her clothes only to steal them again. Realising that Charlotte might have taken all the bullying she can stand. Yvonne races up to the G2 toilets. She finds Charlotte trying to suffocate herself with a plastic bag.

Karen commends Yvonne for saving Charlotte’s life by rescinding her loss of remission. However, Yvonne is eaten up with guilt about her behaviour towards Charlotte and makes a heartfelt apology to her when she returns from the hospital wing, promising that she will look after her from now on. Yvonne orders Shaz and Buki to apologise to Charlotte before returning her belongings. However, it’s not long before Charlotte is offering Buki her ring again, this time in exchange for drugs.

A night at the local pub and a fortuitous conversation with Gina and Mark has provided one persistent journalist with the name of one of Charlotte’s cellmates. She contacts Buki and arranges for a visiting order to be sent. At the visit, the journalist offers Buki cash and a miniature camera in exchange for information and photographs of Charlotte inside. Buki waits until the next time Charlotte is zonked out on drugs before taking a rather incriminating photograph that soon hits the front page of the national newspapers.

Josh arrives back from his training course and is astounded when she sees Crystal staring back at him from behind the bars. He believes her when she tells him that the drugs were planted by Shell, despite Di’s best efforts to blacken Crystal’s character.

Furious when she sees the photograph of Charlotte in the newspaper, Karen orders urine test for everyone in the dorm. Crystal goes for her test at the same time as Charlotte who admits to Di that she has taken cocaine within the past 24 hours and is expecting a positive result. Di is upset after hearing from Crystal that she and Josh are back together and decides to throw another spanner in the works by swapping Crystal’s urine sample with Charlotte’s. Josh is outraged when Karen announces that Crystal’s urine test has come back positive. He is now convinced that Crystal has been lying to him all along and refuses to have anything more to do with her. Later, Di takes great pleasure in telling Crystal to clean up her act. Charlotte witnesses this exchange from across the landing and regards Di suspiciously.

Shaz receives a postcard from her “Auntie Nellie” in Spain. It takes her a while to realise that the postcard is from Denny and she is over the moon that she has made it safely to Spain. Crystal’s not so sure though, she’s sure that Denny is holed up in a bedsit in Kings Cross and has sent the postcard as a wind-up. Of course, she has no way of knowing that Shell and Denny really are in Spain, sipping cocktails on the deck of a luxury yacht.


Gina – “Just answer the questions sweetheart.”
Charlotte – “I beg your pardon?”
Gina – “We only put the red carpet out for your sort when you’re opening prisons, not entering them.”

Crystal – “I’m gonna kill Shell when I see her.”
Fenner – “Yeah? Well I’ll look the other way when you do.”

Charlotte – “It’s more like a Turkish jail than an English one.”
Karen – “I’m not that au fait with Turkish jails I’m afraid. If you have any aversion to prisons, it’s a good idea not to do the crime.”
Charlotte – “My father’s going to hear about this place!”
Karen – “Fine, most inmates speak to their parents.”

Karen – “So you deny it?”
Yvonne – “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. Conspiring to have her clothes stole and burnt? Sounds like the gunpowder plot.”

Barbara – Poor girl, I’ve tried talking to her.”
Yvonne – “Yeah, but so’s everyone else. If she’s too far up her aristocratic arse to talk back then she can go shag herself.”

Crystal – “What you got there?”
Shaz – “A postcard, from me Auntie Nellie in Spain.”
Crystal – “Auntie Nellie? (Takes postcard and reads it out) “Having a great time. Sorry you ain’t here. Love ya babe” (Looks up at Shaz) That ain’t from no Auntie Nellie, that’s from Denny!”
Shaz – “Denny? (Takes the postcard) She made it, she’s in Spain!”
Crystal – “Yeah, right! From a bed-sit in Kings Cross more like…it’s fake.”

Shell – “Can’t take you anywhere, can I Den?”
Denny – “What’s next then Shell?”
Shell – “I dunno…between the sheets?”
Denny – “Yeah! Larkhall prison piss-stained sheets.”
Shell – “Or what about a long, comfortable screw against the wall?”
Denny – “What’s in that then?”
Shell – “Orange, vodka, Fenner’s spunk and a cherry.”
Denny – “Oh man! Do you know how gross that is?”

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