Series 4, Episode 3


Written by Nick Malmholt & Miranda Wilson
Produced by Claire Phillips
Directed by Jo Johnson

Air Date: 14th March, 2002

Synopsis

Di shows a disapproving Barbara her tattoo. Barbara is concerned when she notices a large bruise on Di’s shoulder and discusses her concerns with Shaz and the Julies. The women all agree that the relationship is moving too fast to be healthy but the Julies, excited by the thought of a wedding, offer to help Di pick out her outfit. Barry is uncomfortable with the idea of Di’s friendship with the inmates and tells her so. Shaz meanwhile is convinced that Barry is a bully and takes the earliest opportunity to goad him into violence. However, Barbara’s presence and he is forced to settle for putting her on report. Now that her ploy to provoke Barry has failed, Shaz smashes her nose against the wall and accuses Barry of punching her. Unfortunately, Shaz’s ploy fails when Barbara admits that she didn’t see the alleged assault. Barry is cleared of any wrongdoing.

Neil is so impressed with Hollamby’s running of the canteen that he decides to order her a brand new computer to help with the accounts. Not surprisingly, Hollamby hasn’t got a clue about computers and ropes Barbara in to do the work for her.

Fenner is keen to take his relationship with Maxi to the next level and has her brought to his office. Just as she’s unzipping his trousers, Maxi reminds Fenner that she’s already done him one big favour by killing Virginia and is disappointed when she discovers that his ardour has cooled dramatically. Fenner panics, realising that this time he’s bitten off more than he can chew, and decides to make every effort to avoid Maxi in the future. Maxi however is furious with Fenner’s evasive behaviour and demands that he move her and Al up to cells on enhanced or risk her revealing all about Virginia’s murder. Neil meanwhile has taken an instant dislike to Maxi and, when Fenner decides to okay Maxi’s move to enhanced, he overrules him.

Shaz, the Julies and Barbara are now all convinced that Di is on the verge of making a huge mistake and conspire to cancel the wedding. They type up a cancellation letter and smuggle it out to be posted, on the day of the wedding, they phone the registry office to confirm the cancellation

The Julies are worried by Yvonne’s defeatist attitude and vow to do all they can to prove her innocence. They cover one of the corridor walls with graffiti, proclaiming Yvonne’s innocence and naming the real culprits – Maxi and Al. Yvonne is encouraged, especially when she realises how worried Fenner is.

The Julies are now also convinced that Di is on the verge of making a huge mistake and together with Barbara and Shaz, they conspire to cancel the wedding – Barbara types up a cancellation letter on Hollamby’s computer, Shaz arranges for it to be smuggled out and posted, and, on the day of the wedding they phone the registry office to confirm the cancellation.

Barry and Di arrive at the registry office to be told that their appointment has been cancelled. Barry immediately realises that the cancellation is the work of the inmates and completely loses it, vocally humiliating Di before storming off. Di is still wearing her wedding dress and crying in the living room when Barry finally arrives home looking the worse for wear. He grabs Di by the neck and pulls her to her feet, telling her that she’s made a fool of him and embarrassed him in front of all of their friends. Di is terrified and pleads with him to stop, he responds by throwing her across the room, and when she crashes into the fireplace and falls to the floor, he stamps on her hand.

With nowhere else to turn, Fenner is forced to plead with Yvonne to help him get Maxine off his back.

Quotes

Karen – “Hurry up, get dressed.”
Yvonne – “You and me have got something in common, I heard that Fenner dicked you over n’all, except you didn’t see it coming.”

Crystal – “What’s this rubbish?”
Hollamby – “Shampoo.”
Crystal – “For highlighted hair? Do I look blonde Miss?”
Hollamby – “Shampoo’s shampoo, now move.”

Julie J – “Ah well, at least she’s copped a bloke of her own this time.”
Barbara – “Doesn’t mean to say he’s the right one.”
Julie J – “I thought you liked weddings Babs.”
Julie S – “She ought to; she’s had enough of them.”

Fenner – “Just so long as you know who’s calling the shots…no favours.”
Maxi – “After the favour I done you.”
Fenner – “What favour?”
Maxi – “The old bag in the bath. (Unzips Fenner’s trousers) k’in’ell! Who let the air out?”

Hollamby – “There’s a bun in that oven mark my words.”
Fenner – “I wouldn’t be surprised.”
Hollamby – “Well I suppose she’d better start baking while it’s still switched on.”

Fenner – “I’m working out some moves on G-Wing, putting Atkins back on basic for starters.”
Hollamby – “Good.”
Fenner – “Any recommendations for a move up?”
Hollamby – “No. Stale bread and swamp water for the lot of them.”

Shaz – “What?”
Karen – “Oh, I dunno, how about the truth?”
Shaz – “Alright. Your career’s gone down the bog and your hair looks like crap Miss.”

Fenner – “You’d better start minding your manners Atkins.”
Yvonne – “Or what? You’ll shag some murdering tart and fix me up for what she’s done? You’ve already done that, haven’t you?”

Shaz – “Silly cow.”
Barbara – “Well a lot of women are very desperate for love Shaz.”
Julie S – “Yeah, and a good rogering. Miss Barker’s as desperate as they can get.”

Yvonne – “I would rather trust a nonce in a playground before I’d trust you.”
Fenner – “Listen. You help me and I’ll help you…we need each other, you know we do.”

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