Series 5, Episode 1


Written by Ann McManus & Maureen Chadwick
Produced by David Crean
Directed by Mike Adams

Air Date: 8th May, 2003

Synopsis

Jim Fenner and fellow officers Colin Hedges and Ken Blakeson have decided to go on a naughty weekend in Amsterdam. Although Fenner and Hedges are salivating at the sight shapely, female flesh on display, Ken is more reluctant and has to be cajoled into entering a lap-dancing club where the headline act is called ‘Naughty Nikki’. Fenner and the lads smile in anticipation as the curtain opens as Naughty Nikki, dressed in leather and wearing an enormous phallus, steps onto the stage, but soon, it becomes apparent that there is more to her than first meets the eye…it’s Shell Dockley! Ken and Hedges give chase but are thwarted by the bouncers backstage. Fenner has more luck and catches up with Shell outside, he tells her to run for it but she can’t – the phallus she is wearing is hiding the fact that she’s pregnant!

It’s two weeks after the fire that gutted the library and the women who were trapped there are still suffering. The whole wing is still on lock-down while the DST search for the missing gun and as a result, Barbara’s claustrophobia is back with a vengeance. Denny is blaming herself for Shaz’s death and her cellmates, Julie O’K and Al are unable to do anything but look on helplessly as she smashes up their cell in frustration. Snowball is still incarcerated on the block while the circumstances surrounding the fire are investigated, thanks to Yvonne; she now has an ugly scar on the right side of her face and the promise of more to come if the women on G-Wing ever manage to get their hands on her. As she listens to their shouted threats and watches flaming swingers hitting the window, she clutches a letter from Ritchie.

Against his doctor’s advice, Neil is back at work. Di has been waiting on him hand and foot at home and its more than likely that a fortnight of her Florence Nightingale act has spurred him up out of his sick-bed rather than his sense of duty towards Larkhall. Now that she’s taken care of the “in sickness and in health” part of her marriage vows, Di is obviously hoping to move onto “with my body I honour thee” and has made a reservation for a candlelit table at an expensive restaurant. Di is devastated when she discovers that now that he’s fit again, Neil has already made plans to meet up with one of his old boyfriends.

The DST have been unable to locate the gun and have given Karen the all-clear to take the wing off lock-down – they are convinced that the gun must have been smuggled out of the prison. However, there is one woman on G-Wing who is still on Snowball’s side, Terri; a red-band is so desperate for money to feed her five children that she is acting as a go-between for Snowball and Ritchie. Terri has also hidden the gun in the one place the DST were guaranteed not to find it…taped underneath Neil’s desk!

Shell is languishing in her cell in Amsterdam and, even though her fingerprints have identified her as “Michelle Dockley, escaped murderer from England”, is insisting that her real name is Nikki Wade. Shell is very taken by the civilised treatment she is receiving as an inmate in Holland and is hoping that she will be able to serve the rest of her sentence there. Just to make sure, she calls in Jeremy Pugh, a man who is very high up within the British Embassy and who, as well as having a fondness for dressing up in nappies to get his kicks, is also the father of Shell’s baby. Jeremy assures Shell that he will do everything he can to prevent her extradition, but in reality he is working with the British authorities to make Shell’s extradition go as smoothly as possible. Later, Shell is over the moon when she is released into Jeremy’s custody. Her happiness is short-lived…Jeremy has arranged for a helicopter to be waiting for them, a helicopter that will take Shell straight back to the UK and to jail.

On top of her claustrophobia, Barbara has also been rendered deaf by the explosion. Although she’s finding it hard to cope, Barbara is determined to come to terms with the condition and, as soon as she is able, bangs out a few hymns on the chapel organ. After hearing Barbara butcher a hymn in the style of Les Dawson, Henry tactfully praises her and then tells her about the brainwave he’s just had…why don’t they try to learn sign language?

The POs are appalled when Karen tells them that the police found no evidence to prove that Snowball planted the bomb in the library. Fenner goes to see Snowball down the block and tells her that, although there will be no further charges against her, she does have the right to remain on the block for her own protection. Despite the obvious risk to her life, Snowball is adamant that she wants to return to the wing…she’s convinced that the women will forgive her when they hear her side of the story, and anyway, there’s no way Terri is going to be able to get the gun down to her whilst she’s still on the block.

After hearing that Roisin and Cassie have been given a free pardon for their heroism during the fire, Al and Julie O’K decide that the quickest way out of Larkhall is to save a screws life. The only thing is; what are the chances of them running into a screw in a life-threatening situation? After dwelling on this thought for a while, Julie and Al realise that they will have to create a life-threatening situation for their chosen target…the governor’s wife – Di! The first step in their plan is to write a letter threatening to stick Di “on a pointed stick” and hand it over to her, explaining that they found it in the toilet. Unfortunately, Di doesn’t even raise an eyebrow…it’s obviously just some silly girl’s way of getting a bit of attention. A disgruntled Al and Julie return to the drawing board.

Snowball is allowed back onto the wing and, for her own protection, is escorted into her cell. Under the guise of bringing her food, Terri hands Snowball the gun and a letter from Ritchie. Meanwhile, Fenner has decided that it’s time for round two and he’s arranged for Denny to finish the job Yvonne started in s4ep16. However, just as Denny is making her way up the stairs, Yvonne intervenes and drags her kicking and screaming into her cell. Denny explains to Yvonne that the thought of killing Snowball is the only thing keeping her going, she hears Shaz’s voice in her head, begging her not to leave her and it’s driving her mad with guilt. Yvonne’s feeling guilty too – Ritchie is her son, and Snowball was only able to build the bomb with his help on the outside – if she had been a better mum, none of this would have happened and Shaz would still be alive. Yvonne begs Denny to trust her…somehow, she will make Snowball and Ritchie pay for everything they have done.

As well as having to deal with the prospect of Shell being apprehended, the Hollambys are also struggling with the failure of their undertaking business. As hard as they work, people just aren’t interested in using funeral parlours anymore, not when they can bury their relatives at a discount with the big firms. After ‘Sainsbury’s’ refuse her credit card, Sylvia returns home and rifles through Bobby’s desk, using a screwdriver to force her way into the locked drawers. She is appalled when she reads a bank statement and discovers that they have an overdraft of nearly £50,000! Also, monthly payments of £1500 are being paid to someone called ‘A.J.Whitley’…does this mean that Bobby has a woman on the side? Sylvia confronts Bobby when he returns home and discovers that the truth can sometimes be much worse than a rampant imagination – A.J. Whitley is the name of a loan company, a loan Bobby took out using the Hollamby family home as security!

As a memorial to Shaz, Lauren has sent a rose bush called ‘Rose of Sharon’ to the prison. The bush will be planted in the garden and the inmates will each lay a stone painted with a message to Shaz around it. The inmates are painting their stones when Snowball decides to venture downstairs, she tells them that the bomb had been timed to go off in an empty library, and, when she found out that the library would be full of inmates, she had tried to find the book she had hidden it in, planning to disarm it. Shaz’s death had been an accident, not intentional. Snowball’s lie is convincing and it almost works until an emotional Denny confronts her. The mood of the wing turns ugly and for a moment it looks like Snowball might have bitten off more than she can chew, but then salvation arrives in the unlikely form of Yvonne. Yvonne cools the other inmates down, telling them that at the end of the day, it was the screws fault that the bomb was smuggled in originally; she can blame Snowball for a lot of things, but not for wanting to escape. Fenner tells Snowball that she’s “lucky that Atkins only has two sides to her gangster brain – them and us”. However, it soon becomes clear that despite her words, Yvonne wouldn’t trust Snowball as far as she could throw her, and, if the signal she noticed Terri give Snowball earlier was anything to go by, she must still be in possession of the gun. So, while Snowball and the other inmates paint their stones, Yvonne searches Snowball’s cell only to come up empty handed.

In a ceremony in the garden, the inmates lay their stones. Denny is first and her black stone, labelled “KILLER BITCH WILL PAY” is greeted tactfully by Henry. Before long, it’s Snowball’s turn to lay her stone which she does, after concealing the gun underneath it.

Shell is brought back to Larkhall and, after being searched, she is banged up in a cell on the reception wing. Once alone, Shell walks over to the mirror and takes off the very convincing, brunette wig she has been wearing. The wig not only conceals her bleached-blonde locks, but also a razor blade that the strip-search missed.

Quotes

Shell – “Get this friggin’ cock off me willya?”

Hollamby – “You don’t know what Bobby and I are going through right now. Shall I tell you how many people he’s buried in the first half of this tax year? Five…and two of them were children.”
Fenner – “Shit, poor kids.”
Hollamby – “Poor us Jim. Half the coffin, half the profit. And then we wake up to this nightmare coming back to haunt us. Why couldn’t you chuck her in the canal and drown her properly?”
Fenner – “I’ll tell you why…because she’s pregnant.”
Hollamby – “Oh no! We lose one Dockley and get two back!”

Shell – “It would be well worth the plane fare to do all of our crimes over here.’
Dutch PO – “Yes?”
Shell – “Well that’s me decided, I’m gonna appeal to do my whole sentence here in Holland…that’s if I don’t get let off it anyway.”
Dutch PO – “The authorities will decide that at the committal hearing.”
Shell – “I got a baby to do right by yeah? No way he’s slumming it back on the mums and bums back home. Poor little mite ain’t even nicked his first sweet yet!”
Dutch PO – (Not understanding) “I’m sorry Miss Dockley?”
Shell – “I’ve told you, my name is Nikki Wade!” (Sweeps pot of yoghurt off the table) “And I don’t like nobbing yoghurt!”

Hollamby – “Where’s the custard creams?” (Walks to door and shouts at Barbara) Hunt! (Barbara doesn’t respond and Hollamby gives up) You can’t even tell her off now without a flip-chart!”

Karen – “Neil wants the wing off lock-down.”
Hollamby – “I suppose all good things come to an end.”

Fenner – “We’re going to get the cons to believe that are we?”
Hollamby – “They’ll have our guts for garters before we can blink.”
Karen – “Best not blink until you’re off duty then Sylvia.”

Hedges – “You’ll be processed tomorrow.”
Shell – “I ain’t a tin of friggin’ peas!”

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