Series 5, Episode 12

Written by Liz Lake
Produced by David Crean
Directed by Jim Loach

Air Date: 24th July, 2003


Karen is told she’s to be sacked following Snowball’s death, but she convinces Neil to allow her to work her notice, giving her a chance to clear her name. Hedges is terrified of what the repercussions might be if she uses his affidavit against Fenner, but Karen puts his mind at rest – the affidavit isn’t enough, they need something more concrete to make the case against Fenner watertight.

A familiar face is welcomed back to Larkhall as old-timer Noreen Biggs arrives back on G Wing. Unfortunately she won’t be enjoying Her Majesty’s pleasure for long as she confides in Hollamby that she hasn’t got long to live. Uncharacteristically Sylvia starts to bend over backwards to help Noreen – something that has a lot to do with the £4000 Noreen offers to leave to Hollamby in her will than compassion.

Tina moves into her own cell thanks to her deal with Fenner, but he is getting impatient for a return on his investment. Having second thoughts about betraying Yvonne Tina plays for more time but has gotten the wrong idea about Fenner’s interest in her. Looking for advice, she confides in old friend Noreen.

The staff gather in Neil’s office for a special announcement…Neil and Di are not only getting a divorce but Neil announces he’s found true love with someone else. The PO’s are shocked to hear that Neil has a new male partner, but not only that; Di is acting as surrogate mother and handing the baby over to be raised by Neil and Tony when it is born. Fenner is highly amused by this news, but it’s odds on that the smile will disappear quickly when he hears that Area have approved Di’s promotion to wing governor and that she will be taking over as soon as Karen has gone.

Denny has noticed how close Yvonne and Hedges are becoming and is starting to feel jealous and upset. She tries to warn Yvonne off but she’s not interested and asks Denny to trust her. Meanwhile, now that she’s on the verge of being “footloose and fancy free” again, Di has set her eyes on Hedges – how long before she’s setting up a shrine and writing his name in lipstick on her mirror? Hedges quickly becomes uncomfortable with the attention Di is paying him, not to mention Hollamby’s constant attempts to mother him but still, is too polite to object, even when they decide to throw a dinner party at Hollamby’s flat and invite him as the guest of honour.

When Noreen confronts Fenner over his treatment of Tina, he attacks her, but he may have gone too far as Noreen collapses. Refusing all medical treatment she asks to speak to Tina, and, on her deathbed makes a last plea to her to stay away from Fenner. When Noreen dies, Hollamby starts rubbing her greedy hands together in excitement, but Noreen gets the last laugh at her memorial service Tina reads out her will – she didn’t have any money to leave, but if she did, Hollamby would be the last person she would have left it to.

After promising Noreen that she would dump Fenner, Tina comes clean to Yvonne about Fenner’s plan to take photographs of her and Hedges together. To make amends to a furious Yvonne, Tina agrees to turn the tables on Fenner. She tells him that she’s finally managed to take some photographs of Hedges and Yvonne, but as payment, she wants sex. Fenner is reluctant, but doesn’t really have any choice and is soon lying back and thinking of England. After taking photographs of Fenner on the job, Yvonne gives the film to Karen, she also replaces the photographs that Tina took of her and Hedges with a new film containing only one photograph – her giving the V’s to Fenner!

Karen goes to a late-night chemist and gets Yvonne’s photographs developed. Now that she’s got irrefutable proof of Fenner’s wrong-doings, Karen realises that she’s finally got the means to get rid of him once and for all.


Denny – “Did someone slip Bodybag a nice pill or what?”

Tina – “What everyone says about him being evil yeah? It’s just bollocks.”
Noreen – “Yeah, and I’m Victoria Beckham.”

Hollamby – “Right…well…early rise tomorrow for servery duties.’
Noreen – “I don’t know why anybody calls you a fat Nazi Miss, as far as I’m concerned you’re a bloody saint.”

Hollamby – “Keep your hair on Johnston…what’s left of it.”

Neil – “I’ve got a new partner…Tony…yes, that’s Tony, or Anthony.”
Hollamby – “Sweet Jesus!”

Fenner – “How’s the new husband?”
Neil – “You’re a formidable wit Jim, what you fail to realise is I’m happy with my life…can you say the same?”

Karen – “She’d be lucky to last the journey.”
Hollamby – “God speed to her.”
Karen – “Eh?”
Hollamby – “I’ve got a soft spot for her if you must know, she’s a real character.”
Karen – “Boil on the taxpayers botty was how you put it last time I heard.”

Tina – (Reading Noreen’s will) “To Julie Saunders, I leave hope – live every minute of every day like it’s your last, you’re that clever you can do anything you want and I’m proud to have known you. To Denny Blood, I leave the rest of my fags so she can get lung cancer and die like me – stop doing it Den while you still can. To Tina O’Kane I leave my secret recipe for cheese straws. To Miss Hollamby, who turned out to be my best friend when she found out I was dying, I leave what’s under my mattress – my potty! ‘Cause she’s a two-faced, greedy old shit-bag!”
Yvonne – “Nice one Noreen!”
Hollamby – “That is a bare-faced lie!”
Tina – “I ain’t got nothing to leave to anyone else, except a message – look after each other ‘cause you’re family, even if you don’t know it.”

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