Series 5, Episode 4

Written by Guy Picot
Produced by David Crean
Directed by Jim Loach

Air date: 29th May, 2003


Di receives another letter from Gnasher – “Your husband is a poof, I seen him in a poof bar. Ask him if he wants to sit on my pointed stick.” – Neil, who doesn’t know that Di sent the letter to herself, is angry but refuses to be intimidated by threats. However, when he walks out of the house to see that Di’s car has been spray-painted with the word “pervert”, he is forced to take it seriously…especially when Di suggests that Gnasher could be a PO.

Buki is determined to be reunited with the child she abandoned as a baby, but as she starts her campaign by writing a fake solicitor’s letter threatening to sue social services for the ‘theft’ of her baby, her chances of being allowed to see him look slim.

The axe finally falls on Larkhall – Neil receives official notification from area that an offer has been made to a security firm – Linford Securities. All of Larkhall’s officers being to panic when they hear the news – private firms are notorious for offering crap pay and benefits – not to mention the fact that they will all be expected to reapply for their jobs. Neil hopes that he will be able to flatter and crawl his way around Linford Chief Executive, Eric Bostock, as does Fenner who almost falls over himself in his eagerness to stab Karen in the back. The same can’t be said for Karen who makes it clear to Bostock that, as far as she’s concerned, private security firms have no idea about what it takes to run a women’s prison.

Snowball has contracted salmonella from deliberately eating raw chicken, fully aware that, despite her previous record of escaping, no screw will want to be handcuffed to someone suffering from projectile vomiting. Initially, she is assigned to the hospital wing, but after ingesting more raw chicken, her condition worsens and she is transferred to the local hospital…the same hospital in which Ritchie is recovering from his gunshot wound.

Now that they’ve got Denny and the Julies in their pocket, Phyl and Bev begin to set their sights a bit higher. Firstly, they have to get Yvonne on side…this they do by offering to paint a portrait of Shaz as a surprise for Denny. Secondly, they decide that the recently bereaved Hollamby could be good for a few readings and before long; they have her smuggling in bottles of gin and tonic as payment for contacting Bobby. The pound signs start lighting up in their eyes when they hear that Hollamby is on the verge of losing her home…they have the keys to an empty Mayfair flat…surely the old Bodybag wouldn’t turn down a luxurious apartment…in exchange for a nominal rent of course.

There’s bad news for Yvonne and Denny when they discover that because of Denny’s age, adoption isn’t a viable option. But still, Yvonne is determined to make things official and presents Denny with a locket that contains pictures of both of them,

Sylvia is not impressed when Bev suggests that the late Bobby Hollamby might be seeing other women in the afterlife, and sets her sights on a new man of her own – Henry. Being a man of the cloth Henry has been offering his support following Bobby’s death – but he’s rather alarmed when he’s invited to a romantic dinner. How can he tell Sylvia he’s engaged – to one of the prisoners?

Snowball is hamming it up in her hospital bed and making several trips to the toilet in order to be sick. She waits until Di replaces Fenner as her escort and then makes another dash to the loo…while Di waits nervously outside, Snowball ties an old woman up and steals her bathrobe and walking-stick. When Di finally goes to find out why Snowball has been so long, she finds the terrified old woman instead. As Di panics, Snowball makes her way up to Ritchie’s bedside, now dressed as a doctor. Luckily, Karen has a brainwave and instructs Di to look for Snowball on Ritchie’s wing. When Snowball finally does turn up, she finds the police waiting for her.

Phyl and Bev are expanding their business empire daily…they even have Yvonne on side now that they’ve made Denny’s day by presenting her with a portrait of Shaz. The portrait-painting and seances are going well – but drug-dealing could well be their next venture.

Shell gives birth to Ronan Beckham Dockley without complications, and is genuinely besotted with her baby boy. Hedges is expecting Shell to carry on ‘business’ as usual – and when Shell angrily refuses his advances and threatens to blow the whistle on Fenner and his pimping scheme, the consequences for her are very, very serious when Fenner reacts by informing the nurse that he walked into Shell’s room to find her trying to suffocate her baby with a pillow! Shell is distraught when her baby is taken away and even Hedges is disgusted by Fenner’s behaviour, but short of blowing the whistle on himself, he has no choice but to go along with him. Realising that he has to get Shell out of Larkhall quick-smart, he arranges for her to be transferred to a secure, psychiatric unit. All that he needs now is for Neil to sign the relevant papers…which he does, knowing that keeping an unstable Dockley on G-Wing while Bostock is sniffing about could have severe repercussions on his career.

Shell is bundled into a waiting meat-wagon and driven away into the night, knowing that Fenner has finally gotten the better of her.


Hedges – (After seeing Bostock arrive) “Grayling’s going to crawl right up his arse to keep his lousy job.”
Fenner – “I’ll see him there then.”

Phyl – “You know, we should get those two Julie half-wits to knock us up a couple more cushion covers.”
Bev – “They’d probably do it for a handful of magic beans.”

Julie S – “You wanna be careful trusting Fenner.”
Shell – “Just because no-one’s asked you to come out of retirement.”
Julie S – “I’ll do your baby clothes, but only because I want to buy some poetry books…the only thing the library’s got to offer here is the Oxford book of bleedin’ children’s verse.”
Shell – “Palestines!”

Hollamby – “If you’re a medium, how come you ended up in here?”
Phyl – “Well sadly, she can only help others…if they trust in her gift.”
Denny – “You trust any of us…Bodybag?”
Hollamby – “On your way Blood! Talk about gullible; her head buttons up the back!”

Shell – “Never mind all this ‘I wanna be your mum’ bollocks from Atkins…she just wants another kid ‘cause she’s spazzyfied hers! Eh, maybe I could adopt you as my sister…Denny Dockley, what do you think?”
Denny – “I think you’re a prize bleedin’ nutter mate!”

Phyl – “You know that Atkins creature is top-dog don’t you?”
Bev – “Is that like being best of breed?”

Shell – “You wanna be ashamed of yourself – taking the food out of my baby’s mouth – I ain’t done hand-jobs for a tenner since I was at school!”
Fenner – “If it wasn’t for me darlin’, you wouldn’t be earning a penny. (Laughs) Just like old times eh?”
Shell – “Yeah, me stuck in here washing screw’s spunk off me hands…it’s bleedin’ groundhog day!”

Yvonne – “Legally possible? If we gave a shit about what was legally possible we wouldn’t be in here…would we?”

Shell – (Holding baby) Bleedin’ ‘ell! If it ain’t Pedro staring back at me!”
Di – “Didn’t you know who the father was?”
Shell – “Hoped he was high up in the British Embassy innit? Worth a fortune…instead, I got a dishwasher from Fuengirola!”

Bev – “So Shell Dockley has reproduced.”
Phyl – “Who on earth would be happy about a baby being born in a place like this?”
Bev – “Why would anyone be happy about a baby being born anywhere?”

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