Series 5, Episode 6

Written by Phil Ford
Produced by David Crean
Directed by AJ Quinn

Air Date: 12th June, 2003


Hollamby is still the house-guest of Neil and Di. But not for much longer if Neil has anything to do with it. How long can he keep up the charade that he and Di are a normal married couple? In the meantime, knowing that Neil will never agree to father a child, Di comes up with a plan to get pregnant without his consent; she gets in contact with Tony, James’ boyfriend and pays him to act as sperm collector.

Phyl and Bev are operating any number of clever schemes to make their stay in Larkhall a profitable one. They still haven’t refunded Sylvia her deposit for the Mayfair flat and they’ve set up a DIY distillery in the greenhouse. But another of their business ventures comes to light when Hedges discovers the drugs stash hidden behind their mirror… but given his own little habit, it’s unlikely that he’ll be shopping them. Meanwhile, Yvonne is suspicious when Hedges pre-warns her of the cell searches and wonders what he’s up to.

Phyl and Bev’s plans for the motorised wheelchair are approved by Neil and Bostock, both of whom are practically wetting themselves in excitement at the prospect of some good PR for Larkhall. After Phyl and Bev’s list of supplies is requisitioned, work begins and progresses quickly. Meanwhile, Phyl and Bev put their masterplan into effect and use some of the equipment to set up a proper reflux still in the greenhouse.

Yvonne realises that life in Larkhall is unlikely to improve when the prison is privatised – not just because of staffing cuts and security cameras in the showers, but also because she knows that Eric Bostock’s golden boy Jim Fenner is favourite to take over as G-Wing’s Governor if Linford Securities get their way. Karen, realising that the inmates are growing increasingly nervous about the prospect of privatisation, tips Yvonne off that celebrity Christopher Biggins has been invited to Larkhall to receive the motorised wheelchair on behalf of the charity. It doesn’t take long for Yvonne to understand the real meaning behind Karen’s message – the presentation is the ideal forum for a protest.

Neil has been flat-hunting on Hollamby’s behalf and has come up with a list of comfortable and affordable properties for her to view. Meanwhile, Hollamby has confessed to Di that she has lost her last £1000 – she blames the loss on a bad investment rather than coming clean about her involvement with Phyl and Bev – and that if she loses her job too, her prospects are decidedly bleak. After hearing that Hollamby no longer has the deposit for a flat, Neil sings her praises to Bostock and convinces him to take her on when Linford take over. He also arranges for Hollamby to be given a flat in the officer’s accommodation.

Yvonne continues to be confused by Hedges’ attitude towards her but soon twigs that he and Fenner are planning to plant the heroin Hedges stole from Phyl and Bev in her cell. As the other inmates head off to help in the “wheelie workshop”, Yvonne feigns a migraine and goes back to her cell, planning to lie in wait for Hedges and catch him at it. She confronts Hedges who denies her accusations and then makes a grab for his arm, rolling up his sleeve to reveal the track-marks before he can stop her. A week later, Hedges thanks Yvonne for not shopping him but she assures him that her decision was nothing personal – a time will come when she can use the knowledge of his addiction to her own advantage.

Snowball is continuing to play the victim whenever Neil is around; repeatedly informing him that she can’t go on without being allowed to see Ritchie. Her cause is aided when Bostock visits; he takes an instant shine to her and is later caught by Neil trying to chat her up. Bostock is impressed by Neil’s attempt to reform Snowball and congratulates him on his forward-thinking attitude. When Yvonne informs Snowball that Ritchie’s paralysis is permanent, Snowball goes straight to Neil and turns on the waterworks, giving him the distinct impression that she’s on the verge of suicide. The last thing Neil needs is a suicide on his hands so reluctantly, he grants Snowball and Ritchie a closed visit.

Di continues to receive regular deliveries from Tony and sets about trying to impregnate herself with a turkey baster. Meanwhile, as a cover story, she lets slip to Neil that, thanks to the drunken state he arrives home in most nights, he’s been having regular sex with her. However, the plan is forced to stop when Hollamby moves into the officer’s accommodation…all Di can do is buy a pregnancy testing kit and pray for the little blue line.


Di – “I rolled over Neil. I can’t control what happens when I’m asleep.’
Neil – “If you can’t keep to your own side of the bed I’ll put my golf-bag between us.’

Fenner – “All that bile Karen, you’ll give yourself an ulcer.’
Karen – ‘I’d rather have an ulcer than a brown nose.’

Fenner – (To Snowball) ‘Morning Quasi…you still swinging the bells?’

Buki – “In due course? In due course can kiss my tits!”

Yvonne – “Jesus! You’ve got your own private safe!”
Phyl – “Yeah, well it’s no bloody good now is it? Look, even if you are telling the truth, I’m sure that as top banana or whatever it is you call yourself, you know who the culprit is.”
Yvonne – “Don’t make sense. None of the girls who deal would look in your gaff…they think you’re a couple of old grannies don’t they? More like the Kray sisters as it turns out.”

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