Series 5, Episode 7

Written by Jaden Clark
Produced by David Crean
Directed by AJ Quinn

Air Date: 19th June, 2003


Hollamby learns that Phyl and Bev are to be transferred to an open prison – and comes up with an idea for a little con-trick of her own. She tells them that she can arrange for them to serve out the rest of their sentence in “Her Majesty’s health farm” and it all it will cost them is the £1000 they have conned her out of. Of course, Phyl and Bev have no desire to spend the next five years surrounded by green fields, fresh air and the smell of the countryside, especially not now that they have a source of high-quality booze in the greenhouse, so they decide to politely decline Hollamby’s offer. However, it seems that Neil has other ideas and the two women are soon seen tottering off to a waiting meat-wagon having drunk a rather large one for the road.

Fenner is still desperate to set Yvonne up and comes up with another plan – while she’s outside at the presentation with the rest of the wing, he sneaks into her cell and plants a bag of heroin in her underwear drawer. He then orders Hedges to spin Yvonne’s cell, confident that he’ll find the drugs and that as a result, Yvonne will spend the next few nights down the block. Hedges finds the drugs and, after a brief hesitation, flushes them down the toilet.

The women gather to present the wheelchair that they’ve built for Buki’s son to the celebrity patron of ‘Kids On Wheels UK’ – none other than Christopher Biggins. But the presence of the media and a celebrity guest at HMP Larkhall gives them a perfect opportunity to make a very public protest about the prison’s forthcoming privatisation – after taking Christopher Biggins hostage; they barricade themselves into the greenhouse and refuse to leave unless Linford Securities withdraw their bid.

Bostock is furious by the turn of events and, even though Linford haven’t officially taken over yet, begins to jackboot about, persuading Neil that the only way for them to save face is to put on a display of muscle for the benefit of the press. Although initially terrified, Christopher realises that the women mean him no harm and begins to sympathise with their plight. The tension caused by the situation is eased somewhat by the discovery of Phyl and Bev’s still, but the laughter is soon cut short when Neil decides to pile on the pressure – he has a list of those women who are down for early release and reads them out one by one, telling them that unless they abandon their protest, they will be forced to serve out the rest of their sentences. Although they manage to persuade Buki to surrender, Yvonne and the Julies fail to convince Barbara who is prepared to sacrifice early release and marriage to Henry for their cause.

Serial escapee Snowball has persuaded Neil to grant her a closed visit from Ritchie – but this time it’s a different sort of escape that the couple are planning. Although Hedges is supposed to be keeping a watchful eye over them, both manage to swallow copious amounts of pills. Eventually, Hedges realises what is going on and is able to save Snowball…it’s much too late for Ritchie though.

Concerned that it is only a matter of time before his captors end up in real trouble, Christopher convinces them to give up their protest, pointing out that they have created a stink in front of the press and have successfully managed to get their point across. However, Al takes exception to the prospect of surrender and threatens to slit Christopher’s throat with a piece of broken glass if anyone leaves the room. Luckily, Julie S and Denny manage to sneak up behind Al and wrestle her to the ground. Now that Christopher is safe, Neil orders the officers to storm the room.

As the women are all dragged away down to the block, Christopher tells Bostock and Neil exactly what he thinks about them and their regime in front of the press. The prospect of such bad publicity is all too much for the board and investors of Linford Securities and Bostock is forced to tell Neil that they will be withdrawing their bid. Yvonne is given no time to reflect on her triumph, especially when she sees the lifeless body of her son being carried out of the prison on a stretcher.

Neil can’t stand another minute of marriage to Di and announces that he wants a divorce – and if she wants to tell the world that he’s gay, he doesn’t care. But will he change his mind when Di makes an announcement of her own and reveals that she’s pregnant and that he’s the father?


Karen – “As I’m sure you’re all aware, top of the agenda is the ‘Kids on Wheels’ presentation. We’re expecting Christopher Biggins any time now.”
Fenner – “Thought we were getting a celebrity.”

Julie O’K – “Who is this Biggles bloke? Do I know him?”

Neil – “What are they up to now?”
Karen – “This might be a bit radical, but why don’t you ask them?”

Neil – “This stops now or you can all forget your parole.”
Yvonne – “Cock off!”

Karen – “Still holding off on the storm-troopers? Why not slip into your red cape and tights? Get in there and show Bostock and the boys what you’re made of.”
Neil – “There’s no need for strong-arm tactics. Knock the fight of them and then I pick them off…one by one.”

Christopher – “That was very thoughtful.”
Yvonne – “Well contrary to popular opinion, we don’t spend all day scratching each other’s eyes out.”

Barbara – “We’re doing what’s right. Isn’t that what Jesus did?”
Julie S – “Yeah, and look what happened to him.”

Fenner – “Col’s done him a favour, better off out of it – no legs and a dodgy middle stump.”
Karen – “Tell that to Yvonne you sick bastard!”
Fenner – “Bereavement counselling’s more your department love…you sure you couldn’t do with some yourself? Maybe not…you and him, hardly Romeo and Juliet was it?”

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