Series 6, Episode 5

Written by Paul Mousley
Produced by Cameron Roach
Directed by Julian Holmes

Air Date: 10th May, 2004


Natalie Buxton is back at Larkhall having been sentenced to 12 years for child prostitution. Frances is incensed when she learns that Natalie is back under her charge – have they taken nothing into account as she was the officer who put her away? However, there’s nothing she can do about the fact that there’s a severe shortage of prison spaces around the country and that Natalie has decided to forgo her right to segregation for her own protection and take her chances on the wing.

The Julies receive a letter from Janan in which she thanks them, Tina and Darlene for supporting her during her protest. Tina is still recovering from cuts, bruises and a sprained ankle down on the hospital wing and the Julies take the letter to her hoping that it will cheer her up. Tina’s not interested, she holds Janan solely responsible for the nightmares she’s been having since her fall, not to mention the fact that her hair is falling out in clumps. The Julies suspect that Tina’s alopecia may have something to do with peroxide and advise her to go back to her natural colour.

Natalie arrives on the wing to a hostile reception. Al and the Julies protest when they hear that Natalie is being moved into the dorm but he informs them that the next person to use the word “nonce” will be put on report. He also points out that they have no right to consider themselves as superior to Natalie just because of the type of crime she committed – out in the real world; all criminals would be viewed as being as bad as each other. Although chastened by Neil’s words, the gang continue to conspire and Al is sent into the dorm to teach Natalie a lesson. However, Natalie turns the tables and beats Al up. Using a combination of tears and threats, she manages to convince Al of her innocence – Frances set her up because the police were desperate to arrest Paul, her ex-boyfriend. Natalie claims that Paul was the real brains behind the operation and that she’s frightened of him and what he might do when he’s released.

Natalie flirts with Colin as he takes her for her induction with Frances. A full on collision occurs in Frances’s office and after major provocation; Frances slaps Natalie around the face. Colin bursts into the office and witnesses the incident. As Natalie is led away, she deflects his attention by ordering him off duty so that they can go for a drink. The drink soon leads on to something else and Frances takes Colin back to her flat where she handcuffs him to her bed before having her wicked way with him. Afterwards, she asks Colin if she can trust him and, when he replies in the affirmative, reveals to him that she’s planning on ordering yet another round of Mandatory Drug Testing, only this time with an added twist – she’s going to test all of G-Wing’s POs too! Turfed out of Frances’s flat, Colin starts to brick it – how on earth is he going to get out of this one? Once outside, Colin hides in the shadows and watches as Frances dresses up and leaves her flat. He follows her to a bar where she meets with and kisses another man. The following morning, Frances bumps into Colin in the airlock. She asks him out again and is confused when he, rather sharply, turns her down.

Predictably, Hollamby goes into orbit when she hears that she will be expected to provide a sample for drug testing. However, she quickly realises that refusal may be viewed as having something to hide and meekly submits. If weeing into a cup isn’t humiliation enough, Hollamby also has to face up to the task of apologising to Darlene for her racist behaviour. As Darlene and the rest of the wing look on in amusement, Hollamby asks for Darlene’s forgiveness and promises to show more sensitivity and awareness in the future.

Larkhall has received a last minute order for shrouds so the inmates are rounded up and put to work on sewing and cutting machines. After watching Phyl take a screwdriver to a faulty machine, Natalie is struck by inspiration and offers Phyl a bottle of gin in exchange for ‘fixing’ a cutting machine for her. Later, Phyl looks on in horror as Julie S’s hand gets stuck in the doctored machine. As Julie J and the others try desperately to switch the machine off, Natalie rushes in and manages to pull Julie S to safety, slicing her own hand to ribbons in the process. As Natalie is taken away to the hospital wing, Phyl and Bev salute her intelligence and guile in managing to manipulate the whole wing around to her side.

Knowing that he will test positive for heroin, Colin waits until Selena has taken and labelled all of the POs samples before sneaking into the MDT room. He takes the samples out of the fridge and injects a tiny amount of heroin into each one.

Having tried to convince Kris that she should set off for Canada to try and find Milly, Selena goes to Frances to ask her advice. Frances is concerned that Selena is getting too emotionally involved with Kris’s case and warns her to back off. She does however, advise Selena that hiring a private investigator would be the best way for Kris to track her sister down. Selena is stunned by Kris’s hostile reaction to her news, but that’s nothing…Neil has just found out that all of G-Wing’s officers have tested positive for heroin! Selena is now convinced that she will be held accountable for the screw-up with the tests. Colin tells her not to worry, if anyone’s head is going to end up on the block it will be Frances’s.

Phyl and Bev decide that it’s high time they resurrected Chateau Larkhall and manage to persuade Kris, Tina and the Julies to provide some much needed assistance in exchange for a share of the end product. Kris smuggles rhubarb from the garden, the Julies smuggle the rhubarb onto the wing and, after Phyl and Bev mash it up with water, sugar and other ingredients, Tina provides the warm, safe place for it to ferment for a month.

Frances is convinced that one of the other inmates is responsible for Natalie’s injury and, once again, offers to have her put on Rule 43. Natalie refuses and insists on being taken back to the wing. Frances looks on in shock as Julie S thanks Natalie for saving her hand before she and Julie J encourage the rest of the wing to applaud her.


Whole wing – “Nonce, nonce, nonce…”
Neil – “Anybody using that word again will be on report.”
Al – “It’s what she is, isn’t it?”
Neil – “Behaving like a lynch mob is not a great way to seize the moral high-ground. (To POs) Take her to the dorm please.”
Al – “You’re joking us man?”
Julie S – “You’re putting her in with the youngsters?”
Neil – “You think they’ll be at risk from her? Three against one?”
Julie J – “If you had kids yourself you would never want them to share a room with the likes of her…never!”
Neil – “Prostitution, murder, fraud, theft, grievous bodily harm…what parent would let their kids near any of you? You sound like a right bunch of scum, don’t you? You can’t complain they got it wrong though, missed all your good points…they can tell all that matters from knowing your crime, just like you can tell about Natalie Buxton. Food for thought?”

Frances – “I meant it when I said that this was going to be a drug free wing, so that goes for staff as well as prisoners.”
Al – “Are the screws getting piss-tested?”
Julie S – “Hope that means Bodybag ain’t back on the E’s.”
Julie J – “Coulda slipped her something if we’d got a bit more notice.”
Kris – “So that does that mean that if the screws test us, we get to test them?”
Tina – “Bring me own ‘Marigolds’ innit?”

Phyl – “Does Myers not think we’d all live in a pond if all we had was the brain of a newt?”
Bev – “It’s official, I’m going to die!”
Phyl – “You must be nearly all turkeyed out now, just the giblets left. Just hang on.”
Bev – “Hang on? Hang on for what? I have more faith in drink after death than I do of a drop in this desert.”

Natalie – “A bottle of gin, I gather that’s your tipple.”
Bev – “Gin?”
Natalie – “Tonic, ice, lemon…”
Bev – “Oh please, I’m a medical emergency.”

Hollamby – “I want to apologise for any offence I may have caused you regarding the colour of your skin or your ethnic origin. (Pause for the whole wing to giggle) I’m about to commence a residential race relations course and I like to think in future, I will show more sensitivity…and awareness.”
Darlene – “Is it? (Turns to the others) That fat old mamma disrespecting me again?”
Al – “Dissing herself, not you…that’s friggin’ ace man!”
Darlene – “Me a winner winner!”

Tina – “When’s it gonna be ready?”
Phyl – “Not for at least a month.”
Tina – “A month? What’s in it?”
Phyl – “Rhubarb, water…”
Bev – “Er, sugar, raisins, lemons.”
Tina – “What, no booze?”

Frances – “Whatever your problem is can it wait?”
Colin – “Shame there isn’t a test for sex addiction.”

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