Series 6, Episode 6
Written by Paul Mousley
Produced by Cameron Roach
Directed by Julian Holmes
Air Date: 17th May, 2004
Glamour hits Larkhall in the form of footballers’ wife, Tanya Turner when she is driven through the prison gates in a sweatbox. This is all manna from heaven for the tabloids who have sent a rugby scrum of journalists and photographers down to the prison to record every moment of Tanya’s fall from grace. As the journalists try to bribe the screws on the outside, inside, Tanya makes an unsuccessful attempt to bribe Hollamby and Paula into making life a little easier for her. After suffering the indignity of handing over her jewellery (or run the risk of it being nicked), Tanya is ordered to strip naked behind a screen so her underwear can be checked for contraband.
Says Zoe Lucker: “When I was first told of the idea for Tanya to be transferred from Footballers’ Wives to Bad Girls I was really excited. It really interested me how they would write her story once she was behind bars. Not to mention how she would cope without the usual trappings of fame and luxury around her. But Tanya is a survivor and used to getting what she wants – so I can’t see this changing just because she is in prison! It was a lot of fun filming Bad Girls but I must admit I was nervous; it was like starting at a new school. But all the girls are lovely and I soon felt very at home.”
Neil is furious that all of G-Wing’s officers have tested positive for heroin and makes it clear to Frances that he expects her to get to the bottom of it. Frances summons Colin to her office and demands to know if he doctored the samples to get back at her after he spotted her meeting another man. Put on the spot, Colin blurts out the truth – he’s a junkie. Frances immediately demands Colin’s resignation despite Colin’s claims that he is now clean. She does soften slightly though and allows him to work his month’s notice but stipulates that he must report for urine tests every two days.
Despite Frances’s rather vocal protests, Natalie is moved up to Yvonne’s old cell on G3. She is still trying to come on to Colin but is soundly rebuffed when she asks him if it was his idea to move her to a single cell. Now Natalie is on G3, there’s a spare bed on the dorm and Tanya is very distressed when she finds out that she’ll be sharing a room with awe-struck Tina and rottweiler Al. She does seem to perk up when she finds out that Darlene is another of her cellmates and immediately tries to ingratiate herself by talking gansta and offering her the pick of her designer wardrobe. Darlene makes it clear that she’s not interested in friendship and assures her that if there’s anything she wants, she’ll take it.
Al and Darlene decide to have a bit of fun with Tanya and, while Al holds her down, Darlene rips her false fingernails off. Tina pleads with them to stop and as a last resort, tells them about the rhubarb hooch.
Di has sent a box of key-hole shaped biscuits in to the POs to thank them for being so understanding about Fenner’s ‘illness’. Colin is contemplating one of the biscuits when Hollamby arrives with a large, luxury hamper for Tanya. Hollamby can’t believe that Neil is allowing the hamper onto the wing but he’s petrified of the prospect of Tanya telling tales to the press and so has decided to keep her sweet. Hollamby goes through the hamper and confiscates everything that takes her fancy. Later, Al and Darlene scoff the rest as Tanya looks on.
Kris is furious when Selena informs her that she has booked herself a seat on a flight to Canada. She warns Selena that if her freedom means Milly going to jail, their relationship is over. She also threatens to tell Frances about their relationship but Selena doesn’t waver, even when Kris puts in a request for a new personal officer.
Phyl and Bev are happy – their rhubarb wine is still fermenting in the kitchen and they’re both chuffed to bits that they’ve got one over Frances. They have both also piss-tested clear and, as a result, Bev receives her promised red-band status. She is given Barbara’s old job of making tea for the POs. But do the Costas have another trick up their sleeve? Bev is very cagy when Julie S borrows the PO’s milk to whip up a batch of pancakes for breakfast. As Darlene and Al scoff their own pancakes, and Tanya’s, Tina gives them each a mug of the hooch, before long, most of the wing are partaking.
Now fearing for her life, Tanya grabs a lifeline that may pull her out of prison. Rick Revoir, a yardie gang leader and Tanya’s dealer, offers her a deal – get him a visit with Darlene and he’ll get someone to confess to planting the cocaine in her handbag. To make his point, Rick gives Tanya an asthma inhaler to pass on to Darlene as a present from her younger brother, Terence. Tanya is horrified when Darlene opens the inhaler to find the top of one of Terence’s fingers.
Out in the garden, Kris starts to throw up. As Paula leads her back into the prison, the rest of the inmates are dropping like flies. By the time Dr Nicholson arrives on the scene, everyone apart from Tanya, Phyl and Bev are heaving up their entrails. Nicholson is completely stumped by the epidemic but suspects that it is some sort of viral infection. He informs an angry Neil that all they can do is let the illness run its course.
Frances asks Colin out again but he turns her down. She heads to a bar, unaware that both Colin and Rick are following her. Rick walks into the bar and Frances is pleasantly surprised to see him. It appears that their paths crossed when she was working on the vice squad and that their relationship is a lot deeper than just copper and gangster.
As Tanya tries to apologise to Darlene, Tina checks on Al only to discover that she’s not breathing. Dr Nicholson and the medical team are called and are forced to do an emergency tracheotomy on Al. They perform CPR but it’s too late, Al is dead. Tanya, Phyl, Bev and a devastated Tina look on as Al’s body is wheeled away on a stretcher.
Tanya – “That van smelt like shit.”
Hollamby – “Oh I’m sorry, we’ve been on at them for months to provide eau de toilette and hot towels.”
Hollamby – “From now on you’re just another criminal Turner, nothing more. This place is full of them unless you weren’t told.”
Tanya – “I am not a criminal! Those drugs were planted on me by some stupid bint. My lawyer’s appealing.”
Hollamby – “Keep that up and you’ll see where it gets you. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep your mouth shut and your nose clean…a challenge for the likes of you.”
Tanya – (Takes of jewellery) “Christ! I feel naked.”
Hollamby – “You will be…in the cubicle.” (Snaps on rubber gloves)
Kris – “If my sister ends up inside and I get out I want nothing more to do with you.”
Selena – “We’re not living like this anymore; I’m going to get her.”
Kris – “Yeah? And I’ll tell Myers that you’re a fake screw…I’ll tell her, you’re only in here to be with your murdering girlfriend.”
Tanya – “I want to speak to the manager…or the boss, or whatever they’re called.”
Hollamby – “Manager? You’re not in one of your fancy hotels now.”
Tina – “Where did you get your suit from? It’s well nice.”
Tanya – “Milan.”
Tina – “Oh…I ain’t never heard of him.”
Julie S – “You know Milan Teen? Me and Jue are always popping over there for a spot of shopping ain’t we?”
Julie J – “Yeah, its here we get our designer pinnys from innit? Lend ‘em to you if you like.”
Tanya – “Look, I don’t want any trouble.”
Julie S – “Well talking to someone like they’re a bit of shit on your shoe ain’t the way to act then, is it?”
Tanya – “Alright sistah? I’m Tanya, how’s it wid you? One time! (Pause for Marcia to look up at Tanya like she’s just arrived from another planet) Yeah, I just arrived man; I got busted for possession, probably got word yeah?”
Marcia – (Posh voice) “Do I know you?”
Tanya – “Just saying…what’s up?”
Marcia – “What’s up?(sucks her teeth)”
Tanya – “So, who is you?”
Marcia – “I is a sister what is gonna mash your head if you don’t get outta my space! You get me?”
Tanya – “Jesus! How am I going to deal with this shit-hole?”
Al – “You’re talking about the place I live! You saying I’m shite n’all?”
Tanya – “Help yourselves.”
Darlene – “To what? Not even any chocolate or nuttin’”
Al – “All this money and you spend it on shite. (Picks up pineapple) Like who eats fruit?”
Darlene – (Bites into one of Di’s biscuits) “Tastes like it supposed to be some kind of biscuit.”
Al – “Looks like thistles (struggles to bite into biscuit) tastes like thistles n’all.”
Al – “Mental!”
Darlene – “Me’s in hooch heaven!”
Frances – “Who gave you the makeover? Come on! You didn’t look like that yesterday. Look, if you’re being bullied, tell me and I can help.”
Tanya – “Don’t you worry about me darlin’, I’ll sort out anybody who thinks they can get the better of me.”