Series 7, Episode 2
Written by Liz Lake
Produced by Rachel Snell
Directed by Julian Holmes
Air Date: 17th May, 2005
Fenner is released from prison and walks straight into Di’s waiting arms. After showering away the stench of jail, he finds Di waiting with a bottle of champagne, clearly avid for them to finally consummate their marriage and set about starting a family. However, even though he arrives in the bedroom to find his wife dressed in lingerie, Fenner is unable to perform, something he blames on the pressure he’s been under recently. Di is understanding and instead, turns her attention to his employment problems. Together, they arrange to meet with Neil and threaten to make the tribunal case stand unless he gives Fenner the vacant Wing Governor’s job. Knowing that Fenner and Di have him over a barrel, Neil has no choice but to agree.
Janine is relieved when she finds out that, although her cornea is badly scratched, she will be able to see out of her eye again. Dr Nicholson is as sympathetic as ever and, despite Janine’s protests, says that she’s fit for work and orders her back to G-Wing. Meanwhile, G-Wing’s inmates are queuing for access to the canteen. After watching Tina walk away with a bag of goodies, Natalie orders Darlene to follow her and take their share. Darlene is reluctant; after all, Tina is her friend, but does as she is told. Darlene tries her best to get Tina to play along, but Tina is so incensed that she doesn’t listen. When Natalie happens across them it’s much too late for Darlene to salvage the situation and all she can do is look on as Natalie helps herself to Tina’s stuff.
Hollamby is still suffering from a bad leg and, coming to the end of her tether, she resorts to offering to smuggle some gin in for Phyl and Bev in exchange for them helping her find a way to lift the curse, after all, Bev did live with a Haitian witch doctor for a while. Seeing a way to make Hollamby’s life even more of a misery, Phyl and Bev agree and before long, Hollamby is drinking a glass of her own wee four times a day!
Fenner’s hardly through the gates on his first day when Di starts badgering him to give her the Principal Officer’s job. Fenner’s reluctant, unwilling to put Hollamby’s nose out of joint by promoting his wife above her head, but Di refuses to let it lie. Colin can’t believe it when he sees Fenner in a suit and threatens to resign, but Neil manages to change his mind, telling him that he needs his help to make sure that Fenner doesn’t disrupt the wing too much. The women are also horrified when they see Fenner walk onto the wing, the Julies in particular make it very clear that they think the whole thing stinks but both end up singing a very different tune when Fenner retaliates by sacking them.
Just when Hollamby thinks that things can’t get any worse, she finally receives some good news in the form of a very official letter that arrives at the front gate. Forgetting all about her gammy leg, Hollamby jigs around the PO’s office when she discovers that her Aunt Margaret has died and left her a palatial, antique stuffed house in Hampstead in her will. As she and Hollamby visit the house, Di sees her chance to worm her way into the Principal Officer’s job – surely now that she’s a woman of means, it’s the ideal time for Hollamby to retire. Dr Nicholson meanwhile also perks up when he hears the news and is soon taking a starry-eyed Hollamby for a romantic meal.
All of the women on G-Wing are up in arms about Natalie and Darlene’s protection racket. Realising that something has got to give, Phyl, Bev, the Julies, Tina, Arun and Janine decide that it’s about time someone grassed on her. With no volunteer forthcoming, the women draw bits of spaghetti to see who is to be made spokeswoman. Janine is gutted when she picks the shortest piece of spaghetti, but hiding her terror of Natalie behind her usual bravado, goes to speak to Fenner.
After hearing Janine’s complaints, Fenner goes to speak to Natalie and makes it very clear to her that there’s only one person running G-Wing – him. Without batting an eyelid, Natalie points out that the Julies are still convinced that he killed Yvonne, and without her influence, the rest of the women will start to believe it too. Later, having done her deal with Fenner, Natalie returns the other women’s possessions and informs Janine that she knows exactly who it was who grassed on her. Before long, Janine is on the receiving end of Natalie’s revenge when she opens up a ‘present’ and finds a bloody eyeball staring back at her.
Phyl and Bev jump at the chance to replace the Julies on the kitchen rota but are unprepared for the hard work. The Julies watch on with disgust as disaster follows disaster behind the servery but are cheered up when Neil gives them permission to open up their very own hair and beauty salon on G-Wing! Fenner is furious when he discovers that Neil has gone above his head, but not as furious as he is when Di bursts into his office without knocking once again and shows him the bag of sex-aids she has bought. Unable to stop himself, Fenner lets rip and tells Di exactly what he really thinks about her…not realising that she’s still got all of the evidence that could put him straight back behind bars.
Hollamby – “Tull…Beverley.”
Bev – “Hollamby…Bodybag.”
Fenner – “Should my ears be burning?”
Colin – “More than your ears Fenner.”
Tina – “He’s like a flippin’ boomerang, he just keeps coming back.”
Julie S – “Bit like you Teen?”
Julie J – “Fenner’s more like herpes, that keeps coming back n’all.”
Hollamby – “Quite a responsibility looking after all that family history, but I owe it to poor Margaret.”
Di – “Who, poor gay Margaret who you blanked when she was alive?”
Fenner – “You just don’t get it do you? It’s you that’s the problem, I don’t fancy you. In fact, you turn me right off.”
Di – “We’ve only been married for two minutes.”
Fenner – “Two minutes too long if you ask me. You’re doing my effing head in trying to run my life for me. I’d rather shag a dry-stone wall.”
Di – “No you wouldn’t, you’d rather shag Karen Betts. That’s it, isn’t it?”
Fenner – “Oh please!”
Di – “No, it’s true. I’ve seen those photos, it was a bloody shrine to her and you can’t get it up for anyone else!”
Fenner – “You are joking aren’t you?”
Di – “I don’t find perverts fun Jim, maybe you should still be on that seg unit, which in case you’d forgotten, that is exactly where you’d be right now if it wasn’t for me.”
Fenner – “Oh come on Di, so I lost my temper…”
Di – “That’s not all you’ve lost you bastard! Don’t you bother coming home tonight because your two minutes is up!”