Series 7, Episode 5


Written by Liz Lake
Produced by Rachel Snell
Directed by Laurence Moody

Air Date: 7th June, 2005

Synopsis

Arun has a dark secret that she is desperate to keep under wraps. Her only hope way of staying out of the way is to feign sickness but it won’t be long before everyone at Larkhall sees her for who she is. Arun’s problem is a fast emerging beard and moustache, but luckily, sympathetic Colin is on unlock and readily agrees when she asks permission to take a hot bath in the hope that it will ease her ‘period cramps’. Once in the bath, Arun shaves off her beard with the aid of a razor blade stuck to the handle of a toothbrush. It’s tough and tricky work and Arun ends up cutting her face to ribbons.

An elderly nun called Sister Thomas Moore arrives at Larkhall for a six month stretch for embezzlement and theft – she ‘stole’ charitable donations to the church to make sure the money actually made it to those who needed it. Immediately, she gets on the wrong side of Hollamby who is disgusted when she sees violent lash marks across Sister Thomas’s back. She is even more disgusted when it appears that Sister Thomas can’t seem to get her name right. Natalie meanwhile hates nuns so takes it upon herself to give Sister Thomas a good thumping to remind her that the habit offers no protection from the evil on G-Wing.

Phyl and Bev’s scam of swapping favours and then cakes for free booze might be about to dry out when Neil decides to help out in the kitchen. Before long, he stumbles across Frank’s latest ‘gift’, an elaborately decorated fruit cake. Forced to think on their feet, Phyl and Bev make up a story about baking the cake as a wedding present to Hollamby. Neil is delighted with this explanation and wastes no time in passing the good news on to Hollamby. She’s not that impressed – she’s already ordered a three-tier cake for her wedding – but magnanimously decides to share Phyl and Bev’s cake out amongst the inmates. Pretending that they’d spiked the cake with something nasty, Phyl and Bev manage to rescue the pieces of cake and give them to Denise in exchange for a bottle of vodka.

Natalie is still waging psychological warfare on Di. This time, she gets the red-band on tea duty in the PO’s office to place a letter that she has written to Di in a prominent place. Natalie’s plan backfires when Fenner comes across the letter first and then reveals its contents to a furious, but quickly placated Di. However, when Fenner goes to tell Natalie that her weekend visit has been cancelled, he is appalled when she informs him that she hasn’t washed the knickers that she was wearing during their last ‘encounter’ and that there must be enough DNA evidence on them to prove the extent of their involvement.

Sister Thomas approaches Neil to ask for his assistance in getting G-Wing involved in finishing a charity blanket to raise money for AIDS victims in Africa. As a devout Catholic, Arun has already gone out of her way to try and settle Sister Thomas in, but it is a major surprise when the other inmates, Darlene and Janine included, jump at the chance to get involved. Natalie has already lost face because of Sister Thomas’s refusal to be intimidated and Darlene’s defiance is a major annoyance. After Sister Thomas somehow manages to heal her eye, even Janine is making a stand against Natalie in favour of the aged nun. Of course, Neil is beside himself at the prospect of so much good publicity for Larkhall and quickly rounds up a photographer to take some snapshots for the Prison Service newsletter. But why is Sister Thomas so reluctant to join in for a group shot?

Fenner buys Natalie a peace-offering in the form of some new sexy underwear and hopes to persuade her to hand over the pair that she’s holding as evidence. Natalie refuses – she’s keeping the knickers as her ‘insurance’ against his “nutty wife”. She does however agree to leave Di alone in return for her weekend visit. As soon as she’s serviced Fenner, Natalie makes a point of telling Di about the new underwear that her husband has just purchased for her. Furious when Fenner accuses her of harassing Natalie, Di decides to get her own back by stealing a pair of scissors from the Julies’ salon and hiding them in Natalie’s cell. The disappearance of the scissors is swiftly followed by a cell search and, before long, they are found inside the covering of Natalie’s mattress.

Dr Nicholson has put Hollamby in contact with a financial advisor and he’s very willing to lend the couple £500,000 against the security of the substantial assets bequeathed to her by Auntie Margaret. Before long, Hollamby is spending the money on a lavish wedding reception and buying Dr Nicholson a luxury car. But later, Hollamby is faced with a tough decision when her Aunt’s solicitor briefs her about a strange clause in the will. For her to inherit the house, she must remain a spinster! Hollamby is devastated; she has to choose between marrying Dr Nicholson and losing her new found wealth or telling him the truth and risk losing him. What will she decide?

Without her hormone pills, Arun is getting even more desperate by the minute. Soon she’s on the phone to a friend on the outside and begging him to smuggle some pills in for her. Just before her visit, Arun is distraught when Colin informs her that her friend has been discovered hiding a quantity of unknown pills in one of his socks and that because the pills were so obviously for her, she’ll have to await adjudication on the punishment block. Horrified, Arun pleads with Colin to allow her to speak with Sister Thomas. As soon as the nun arrives, Arun confesses all – she’s a post-op transsexual – i.e. she was born a man!

In another prison, inmate Pat Kerrigan is reading a copy of the prison newsletter when she is interrupted by a PO. It appears that her request to be transferred to Larkhall has been approved. Smiling to herself, she picks up her copy of the newsletter and returns to studying the picture of G-Wing’s inmates proudly holding up Sister Thomas’s charity blanket.

Quotes

Fenner – “So…er…count and recount equipment at all times, and make sure that all equipment is removed and locked up, observing protocol to the T.”
Hollamby – “Why don’t we give them all a couple of machine guns and a rope ladder and be done with it?”

Hollamby – “You haven’t exactly got God’s children for neighbours so don’t get too excited.”
Sister Thomas – “We’re all God’s children.”
Hollamby – “It’s lunch in half an hour so you can judge for yourself if he’s wasted his time on that lot out there.”

Tina – “That’s disgusting! Why don’t you leave her alone? She ain’t never done nothing to you.”
Darlene – “She’s right, you can’t talk like that.”
Sister Thomas – “Thank you for your help but please, don’t get involved on my behalf, she’s clearly disturbed.”
Natalie – “You dress up like a penguin and tell everyone you’re married to Jesus and I’m nuts?”
Sister Thomas – “I prefer to call it a personality disorder.”

Julie S – “Maybe we could do Mrs Hollamby’s wedding.”
Julie J – “Yeah, only I don’t think we’ve got enough foundation to cover up them broken veins around her snout.”

Arun – “Those pills were hormone pills, female hormones.”
Sister Thomas – “Forgive me, but I don’t understand.”
Arun – “Two years ago I had a penis. I was born a boy Sister.”

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