Series 8, Episode 11

Written by Phil Ford
Produced by Sharon Houlihan
Directed by Laurence Moody

Air Date: 20th December, 2006


t’s the night before Christmas and Hollamby is at home preparing for a visit from her son, Bobby Darren. But when he visits to tell her he will be bringing his new partner, a vicious argument ensues, resulting in Hollamby damaging what fragile relationship they did have. Meanwhile, back on G-Wing the mood is flat and there is a strong smell of drains permeating the landings. Christmas is going to be terrible with Hollamby in charge, not to mention that stink in the air.

Julie S is looking forward to a visit from David and her new granddaughter, Ashanti. However, it appears that the daughter-in-law from hell has put a last minute block on the visit and Julie is devastated when an apologetic David turns up alone. The mood is still black on the wing and getting blacker when Hollamby announces that due to low staffing levels, Christmas on G-Wing is cancelled. When Pat complains about the prospect of spending the next few days on lockdown, Hollamby orders her down the block.

Mandy receives a shock telephone call—her partner, Sandy has left her for another woman! Mandy is understandably devastated, but while Donny is sympathetic, Hollamby makes it clear that she couldn’t give a toss. Plus, she’s got more important things to worry about, namely, overflowing drains and a decomposing hand appearing from a toilet! The Julies manage to convince Hollamby that stress and overwork are causing her eyes to play tricks on her. However, when the sewers suddenly spill over through a loo into Phyl and Bev’s cell, the Julies finally work out the cause of the problem—Natalie’s body must be causing a blockage! With Pat locked up on the block it looks like they’ll have to fix it… before a plumber is called.

Phyl and Bev don’t mind being turfed out of their cell, especially because it gives them the opportunity to lift a bottle of whisky from the PO’s Office. They join Janine and Tina in the dorm as a temporary measure and it’s a good job too because Janine has gone into premature labour and hasn’t even realised! When Hollamby ignores the cell alarm, Bev is forced to step in as a make-do midwife. But the labour is difficult and without medical help, Janine and her tiny tot may not make it.

Julie S makes her way down into the Larkhall drainage system and nearly has the fright of her life when she encounters Natalie’s badly composed corpse. As much trouble in death as she is in life, Natalie is now blocking the drainage grate and it’s down to Julie to carefully clear what remains of her out of the way. As Julie loses the contents of her stomach, Donny loses his rag when he comes face to face with Hollamby. He holds her solely responsible for the fact that Janine and the baby nearly died. Hollamby can’t believe Donny’s insolence and promptly suspends him from duty.

It’s been a tough day on G-Wing but matters get a whole lost worse for Hollamby when the ghost of Natalie Buxton appears to her in a dream. Natalie has decided to pay Hollamby a visit to congratulate her on her latest spate of evilness. People hate Hollamby even more than they hated her and that demands respect. As Hollamby’s personal ghost of Christmas present, she takes her on a tour around Larkhall, culminating in a trip to G-Wing. A huge party is in swing… and why? The answer lies underneath the prison, deep inside the rotting drains… Hollamby’s dead body.

Christmas Day dawns. It’s snowing outside and Hollamby is full of seasonal goodwill. She’s determined to mend her ways and starts by heading straight for the MBU. Both mother and baby, Beverly Janine, are doing well and flabbergasted when Hollamby makes a heartfelt apology. Back on G-Wing, nobody can believe it when old Bodybag turns up full of the Christmas spirit. She’s bought them a new tree, bottles of wine, and even has the screws serving them a turkey dinner. Pat, newly reinstated from the block, suspects that Hollamby is suffering from a brain tumour… although that would probably be one Christmas miracle too far! Or is it? It seems that Hollamby has one more surprise up her sleeve, as Julie S finds out when David, Fidelity, and baby Ashanti arrive for a visit.

After receiving an emotional answer phone message, Bobby Darren brings his partner, Brian, along to Larkhall to meet his mum. Hollamby’s delighted and finally, all seems to be forgiven. The Christmas spirit may be flowing, but as she is quick to remind Phyl and Bev, it’ll be back to business as usual tomorrow!


Hollamby – “No wonder the baby Jesus was born in Bethlehem and not Bethnal Green. The three Kings would have had no chance of following that star for flaming rain clouds.”

Phyl – “There was a time for us when Christmas meant snow white beaches, and Rudy wasn’t a bloody reindeer.”
Bev – “Yes, and he came more than once a year… came more than once a night actually.”

Donny – “You heartless bitch.”
Hollamby – “That’s it. I’ve had enough of your insolence. You’re suspended.”
Donny – “Good! You can shove it up your fat arse!”

Natalie – “Don’t worry, Sylv. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m actually here to give you a pat on the back.”
Hollamby – “What are you talking about?”
Natalie – “We’ve got a lot in common me and you. We’re both a pair of evil cows.”
Hollamby – “I’m nothing like you.”
Natalie – “You reckon? You look like one evil bitch to me.”

Natalie – “People hate you even more than they hated me. That’s pretty impressive.”
Hollamby – “Is that’s what’s going to happen to me?”
Natalie – “It is if you let them. That’s why you’ve got to stay on top. You’ve got to let them know who’s boss. Grind the bastards down.”

Julie J – “What the Dickens has gotten into old Bodybag, Jue?”


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